Trouble is you think you have time

The world works in mysterious ways.  Earlier this week I heard Dean Brody's "Time" and really listened to the lyrics.  It made me think... A lot.  We take a lot for granted.  The chorus of this song is:

The trouble is

You think you have time

You think tomorrows always coming down the line

And then one day

You wake up and you find

The trouble is you thought you had time

Kind of hit home with the recent passing of Ty Pozzobon from post-concussion depression.  Also, my cousin's wife had her mom pass away after a short and nasty battle with cancer.  My concussion and subsequent recovery have also had me thinking a lot about what we take for granted.  

The second verse: 

Suit and tie and a fancy job

Big old house, two car garage

He works hard for his wife and his son

An empty seat at t-ball games

Just a sacrifice he’ll make

Make it up, next weekend comes along

Years go by and that day comes too soon

That boy goes off to college, he stands in his empty room

Josh and I have had this discussion a number of times throughout his career since we have had kids. He really got the message when our daughter was about 2 years old and one Friday night he came home (he had been going to trade school during the day and working as night shift foreman at night) and she asked me who he was.  He hadn't shaved in a few days and hadn't really been home when the kids were up for a couple weeks.  I told her it was Uncle George and she called him that for quite awhile afterwards.  Shortly after that, we went and bought a holiday trailer and spent many nights in it that summer camping and spending family time.  It is really easy to get caught up in chasing the almighty dollar and making a living for your family and forget to make time for the people that you are trying to make a living for.  

The third verse really talks about a problem that is inherent in this day and age and that is our obsession with our phones and forgetting the people we are actually with.  We have had quite a few conversations about this as well.  I am working hard to make a conscious effort to put my phone aside, away or out of sight when I am with friends or when the kids and I are talking.  

Shotgun shells and a tackle box

On the floorboard of a truck

Morning sun burning fog off a lake

Teenage girl and her grandad

He takes her fishing but he feels bad

She can't take her eyes off that Facebook page

But someday soon, who knows how long

She'll look up and he'll be gone

Last weekend, I made a conscious decision to log off of Facebook for awhile.  I am a big Facebooker.  I like to share, I like to read other people's stories, I like knowing what is going on in my friend's lives.  However, I am tired of all the negativity, the constant flow of political posts that have endless comments with personal attacks on people who cannot agree to disagree respectfully.  I need to spend my time more wisely and save my mental energy for things that really matter.  This post concussion syndrome has really been kicking my butt and I need to step away from all non-vital activities.  Facebook is one of them.  It's a time sucker. And a lot of what is on there right now is an energy sucker.  

Yesterday, I learned that not only do I have post concussion syndrome (PCS), but I have a depressed skull fracture that is putting pressure on my brain.  There is also a "little" issue with a pool of clotted blood.  All of this means I have to meet with a neurosurgeon and discuss what to do.  Do you know what neurosurgeon's do?  They cut into your brain.  That is about the scariest thing I can possibly imagine.  Ever since my CT scan and subsequent conversation with the doctor, this song of Dean Brody's has been running through my head. With some luck and some skilled hands, I will have lots of time.  However, it sure makes me think about all the could of, should of, would ofs.  It makes me think of the time wasted on people who didn't deserve my time.  It makes me think of what I will do with my time now.  

Hug your kids, tell your parents and spouses that you love them.  Treasure the time you get to spend with people that make you laugh and bring you joy.  Do something for yourself.  Whether that is riding your horse, going to the spa, taking a trip somewhere or just reading a book.  Make hay while the sun shines.  Don't take anything or anyone for granted.  Get rid of the people who make you sad, hurt you, don't add value to your life.  Volunteer, but don't volunteer so much that you don't spend time with your loved ones.  

I can tell you this, when you think your days are going to last til you are 100 or whatever you have in your head as that "magic" age that you reach your expiry, you take stuff for granted.  I did.  I have.  I can also tell you this, when you are thinking about the possibility of going into an operating room with your head shaved and a doctor carving into your skull, you think about wasted time and wasted energy.  Don't wait until you are facing a terminal illness or a chronic disease or an unexpected diagnosis to contemplate these things.

The trouble is, you think you have time...  

Political Fatigue

Does anyone else have this?  I can't possibly be the only one.  As an adult, a working woman, a mom, a wife (and daughter, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law) of someone who works in oil & gas, a rancher and someone working in the financial industry, I get that it is important to follow politics and the news and keep abreast of the latest goings on.  But I am sick and tired of being inundated constantly with politics. In fact, I am starting to think I need to go to some caveman living so I can escape the constant onslaught.

My actual political opinions don't even factor into this.  I do have them.  I have very strong opinions; I have done my research.  I am also open enough that I am able to have a rational conversation with someone I disagree with and maybe even learn something.  I don't mind sitting around a table with some friends having a coffee or another beverage and batting around some discussion about it.  WHY, though, must it penetrate every thing we do and see?

Facebook, instagram and twitter are full of ongoing rants (rarely raves, but sometimes) about various politicians.  My husband is one of the worst offenders.  I am to the point where I may actually unfollow my own spouse of nearly 19 years.  I get it.  You hate Trudeau, you hate Notley and you love Trump.  I DON'T CARE.  Truth is, I knew that previous to the 9 - 15 shared posts daily about you, dear.  I love you, but for the love of God, sharing stuff on Facebook is not helping.  Write some well-worded, rational emails and letters to your MLA, MP and your ministers and leaders.  Stop sharing stuff that is just a bunch of people commiserating about their mutual hatred of the current regime.  If you care that much, do something productive about it.  (He's not the only one on my feed, but I have pretty much un-followed the majority of the rest of them)

My real complaint is that I believe that if all of the keyboard warriors were that concerned about the various levels of government, they would be looking at productive ways to change things, to indicate their frustrations and convey their concerns.  I get that the media is powerful, but does anyone really think that Justin Trudeau is reading the anti-liberal group's posts on Facebook to see how many shares it got?  Pretty sure he has some vacationing to do instead (oops, there's a little of my political opinion slipping in).

I am frustrated with certain things as well, but sharing 10 posts a day on Facebook, Instagram and my snap story are not changing it.  If it really bothers me, I will attend a rally and write letters and emails.  In fact, I have done just that in the past year and a half.  I wish everyone would.  But I am tired of seeing all the negativity and ongoing whining everywhere.  It takes a toll after awhile.

The other thing about "politics" that frustrates me is that it is in everything we do.  Where it really riles me up and makes me shake my head is in organizations that are supposedly youth centered.  Currently, my inbox has no less than 8 emails from the past 3 days regarding some drama in our Alberta High School Rodeo Association.  Unfortunately, between the 8 emails that contain multiple letters and the Facebook post on our page with 80+ comments, I still have no real idea what brought all of the drama on.

There are two sides and with all that I have read, I am still not sure what the issue is.  What I do know is that there are many people, many volunteers that make an association like High School Rodeo happen.  I know that I appreciate the immense time commitment that those volunteers put in.  I am grateful for those that put the time in WITHOUT A PERSONAL AGENDA. For if you are a true volunteer for the sake of the sport and the sake of the kids, you should not be furthering your own agenda.  We try to keep our distance from any of the politicking and behind the scenes "stuff" that goes on because it is easier that way.  We help out where we can, always available to lend a hand.  We have some awesome friends through this association.  What I hate to see is the kids potentially suffering for whatever is going on behind the scenes whether from the national or local level.  The people who have volunteered to do their roles for the good of the sport and the good of the kids deserve our support and backing.

4-H - an organization I hold near and dear to my heart is another place where I feel there is no place for politics, but there it is anyhow.  The lengths that some people will go over a ribbon is unbelievable.  The manipulations that happen to further one child's success at the expense of another's opportunities for the same blows my mind.  The things I have seen this year within this organization have made my head spin and my blood boil.  I have seen people deliberately trying to ostracize others because of too much success.  How is it fair to punish youth that have passion and ambition for something because others don't?  I can't wrap my head around it.  I come back to this... I am grateful for those that volunteer their time to this amazing youth organization WITHOUT A PERSONAL AGENDA.

The fact is, when it comes to 4-H, our own kids have suffered some in their riding skills because no kid wants to learn from mom and dad.  While we are busy helping other kids grow, our own are falling by the wayside to some extent.  They get the benefit of being in a great club and community and many opportunities.  When it comes to 4-H, it should be about the kids learning to do by doing, learning about record keeping, public speaking, community stewardship AND the skills and knowledge involved in whatever project they are in.  It should not be about parents and leaders trying to elevate their own worth via their association with the organization or their club's successes.  It brings me to tears every fall when I look back on our year and think of all the growth that our members have experienced and it makes my heart swell with pride in them and their accomplishments. That is what keeps me engaged in the organization. Not personal gain.  Not how I look to the "powers that be", whoever they are.  I care that "my" kids are growing and learning and becoming better riders, more productive community citizens, better public speakers and wonderful people.  Why can't that be enough for everyone?

It seems there is no place free from people trying to wheel their own personal agendas and force their opinions on you.  I am so mentally exhausted of seeing personal attacks in the name of someone's beliefs.  Is that not what the basis of terrorism is?  Attacking those who do not share the same exact beliefs?  There are so many personal attacks in the comments on social media around the political posts.  There are personal attacks around the politics happening in our youth organizations.  At what point, as grown adults did we un-learn the fact that we can AGREE to DISAGREE?  Why can't we live and let live - just a little?  I live by that motto and unless you are hurting my kids or my family and friends - whatever you do in your world is your business.

If every person could worry about their own lives a little more and everyone else's opinions a little less, I think we would find the world would be a much better place.  Am I happy about our provincial and federal government?  What can I do within my own power to influence that?  Attacking someone else for being stupid or useless for not agreeing with me does nothing but make me look like an idiot. Don't people realize that?  How many people have changed their opinion of a political issue based on someone calling them a dumb ^&*( because they didn't agree with someone else?  I can almost guarantee the answer is no one.

Let's work on our own lives and what we can do in our own space to make the world a better place. Let's take time to be kind, to volunteer in our communities, to teach our kids respect and morals.  Let's speak positively about what we feel positive about and share how we think we can change whatever is bothering us.  Let's lift people up around us.  We should volunteer because we want to be the change we wish to see in the world (Mahatma Gandhi) and not because we are going to get something out of it.  We should support those who do all of these things for the betterment of our society, our youth, our sports that we are passionate about.

I guess, I am just tired of all the negativity more than anything.  There are so many people doing good things that do them for no personal gain.  They do them because they have seen an opportunity to make things better or different.  I would love to be inundated with those stories and not the negative, whiny, not accomplishing anything ranting about the latest celebrity or political leader.  There are good people doing amazing things.  If everyone took the time to celebrate the kindness, the good works, the volunteers, the people who made a career out of doing amazing things for others, the world would be a better place.  People would be inspired to follow suit.

I believe that if we give more time to the good that is happening than dwelling on the bad, the world would be a better place despite who is in charge of the municipality, province, nation.  The world would focus on how to make the world a better place on small and large scale.  The law of attraction dictates that the more you focus on something the more of it you attract.  If we keep focusing on all the negative, soul-sucking things that are going on, we don't leave room for the positive to enter our lives.  I am tired of the inundation of negative, mind-numbing media and social media "information".  I am choosing to let there be light. Maybe others will to.

Another sad story...

http://calgaryherald.com/news/local-news/family-say-pozzobon-was-suffering-from-concussions-depression-when-he-died

The loss of 25 year old cowboy Ty Pozzobon is hitting the rodeo community hard.  As it should.  But not just because he was an amazingly talented young gun in the sport of bull riding, although that will be his legacy.  It should be a loud and clear reminder to the rodeo community and all sports communities that concussions are not just a bump on the head.  They can have long lasting, painful repercussions that include physical pain and often grappling with mental health issues on top of everything else.

25 years old, married to a beautiful woman, an only son to doting parents and already a superstar.  Many will pull out their judgment cards and talk about the selfishness of this tragedy.  Not me.  Sadly, I understand.  I understand all too well.  A person can have the world by the tail and still go down that road.  And go down that road because they don't want the people they love to be drug down by them in their "state" or that they cannot stand the thought of never being the same or "normal" again.

A brave man with a little crazy in him - because, let's face it, all bull riders have to have a little crazy in them - got knocked around a few too many times and his brain would be recovering slower each time.  You have the world at your feet, a Canadian Champ, 4th place in the world and your brain doesn't work as well as you want it to.  It's still in recovery mode, it needs rest, it is causing issues for you in your day to day life.  You can't do what you love, what you feel you were born to do.  You can't love people the way you used to because it takes a lot of energy.  You start to question your worth...  The depression starts to roll in and then stays.

I am not speaking for this cowboy as I never met him, though I watched him a number of times in a variety of arenas.  I don't know that this is what happened in his head.  What I know is  that it could be.  Or it could be a variation of it.  But head injuries cause real issues - physical and mental and they take their toll.  I can speak from my experience both in the post concussion area and the area of depression though mine came about in reverse order.  It isn't easy feeling like you can't think straight, you can't see straight, you can't concentrate, focus or move as quickly or smoothly as you once did.  It does make you question your worth... If I can't do all of these things, how am I going to work?  Work makes it worse, if I don't take time to rest, I am going to make things worse yet, but if I take the time I need, will my job be there when I get better?  Will I get better?  How am I going to pay my bills?  The questions and strain can pile up.  The pile can become rocks in your pockets when you are barely treading water.  I can understand that some days, it would be easier to stop treading.

It's time to look out for our athletes.  It's time to talk about concussions like the brain injuries that they are.  It is time to talk about depression and how you should be able to get help without being judged.  It's time to be kind and treat others the way we want to be treated.

My heart breaks for this family and his friends.  I hope that they all are able to take something from this tragedy.  I hope that the big name bull riders will put a damn helmet on and stop bragging about being a "real cowboy" by wearing a hat and set a good example for our young guns.  I hope that the bull riders will use their celebrity status to work towards a better way in the future - promote supportive recovery, end the stigma of "what we can't see doesn't exist".  It has stimulated some conversation in our house and I am glad.  I am not glad that Ty is gone.  I am glad that we can talk about it and dig into the why and look at ways to make things better in the future.  Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if no one else had to live through another sad story?  Namaste and RIP Ty.

Do More of That

Do you make resolutions? I do in a way, but I also make goals all year long.  At the beginning of the year, though, I tend to really think about the past year, what has gone well, what hasn't and what I want to change.  Lots of times this will lead to some changes in my goals and resolve to recommit to some goals.  So, I guess I do.

This year, my main resolution is the theme "Do More of That".

Essentially that means to really think about what fills me up and what doesn't.  When making commitments to volunteer activities - I am going to ask myself - what does this do to help with my theme?  If it doesn't do anything, then I am going to say no.  (And try to do it without justifying my answer).  When it comes to my career planning and pathing - I am going to start looking to apply it to that as well.  Am I living my passion? Does this role make me happy?  Does it speak to my morals and values?  And if it doesn't - don't apply for it, or if it is my current role, look for something that will fill my bucket more instead.

I have told many people, friends, staff and family alike - Life is too short to spend your days at a job you don't like.  There are so many people out there who work for a living in a job that they are doing because they need the money or they thought it would suit them but it doesn't.  Not only are they unhappy, but they aren't doing the job as well as someone that does it because they love it.  We are only given so much time on this earth.  It is really important that we make the most of the time we have.  That includes taking a look at our jobs and asking ourselves - does this make me happy?  When I write down the 5 things that make me the most happy and write down 5 of my most important values in life - does my job fit the majority?  If it doesn't, I would wager, it's time to look at what does. Who can give 110% to something that doesn't make them excited to get out of bed in the morning?  (okay, don't get me wrong, I realize it is not realistic to want to get up and go to work every day all year - but MOST of the time).

Chances are, if you are not happy at your job, even if you don't know it, your boss isn't that happy with your performance. Take the opportunity to find a mentor or sign up for a personal growth workshop or read a book about digging into your happiness factors.  What are they?  What about your current job makes you happy?  Do you love helping people?  Do you love working with numbers?  Do you love digging in and problem solving?  What is it?  Get serious about being happy.

I truly believe that as the quote by Mandy Hale says - Happiness is an Inside Job.  If you are unhappy 40+ hours a week, what are you doing to your body?  Unhappiness and negative feelings start to take a toll on your physical body (will get into that some other day).  The more unhappy you are, the more your body reacts.  Happy people are generally healthier people. Also, what are you doing to your family?  Your relationships?  Your life?  If you don't like your job... CHANGE IT.

Now, all of that said, I love most of my job.  But it's temporary, so I have been doing some on paper and heart searching evaluations of what my next steps will be.  That's a big job.  It is important though.  If I am going to be true to my resolve of "Do More of That" - I need to evaluate what makes me happy, what gets me out of bed in the morning AND I have to balance it with "what is going to pay the bills".  For we all have bills to pay - and I am not saying to quit your job if you don't like it and quit paying your bills.  I am saying - take a look at what's out there.  What could you do to change your current job to fit you better or what can you change about your perspective of it?  What jobs are out there that interest you and how can you position yourself to be the best candidate when they become available?

On a personal level - if you don't have a hobby - GET ONE!!!  My parents (sorry guys - don't worry I won't say anything bad) are in retirement right now and have no real hobbies to speak of.  I worry for them because they are in reasonably good health and don't really have that thing that makes them jump out of bed in retirement.  How can you live a long, healthy life when your reason to get out of bed stops when your job stops?  We all need hobbies.  Lucky for my mom and dad, they are young enough to still find things that they will enjoy.  What do you LOVE?  What are you PASSIONATE about?  Try it!  What do you have to lose?

There are so many things out there - some are expensive, but some cost very little.  My favourite hobby is travel and my second favourite is riding horses... So, sometimes, I have to defer to my lesser expensive hobbies like writing, reading, teaching, spending time with friends, meditation.  If you don't have a hobby - try things.  Go to a yoga class.  Sign up for a class at the local gym or through the local lifelong learning group..  Take a different language class.  Dig into your ancestry (another of my little obsessions).  If you don't know what you like, try a little of everything!  Read a book for the first time, write in a journal, take a walk in a local park - there are lots of things you can try that won't break your bank.

I have probably rambled long enough for today and I could go on and on (and often do).  I would challenge everyone to consider making 2017 your "Do More of That" year.  Can you imagine if everyone started doing the things they love more?  Or maybe you just change your thoughts about the things you are already doing?  Wouldn't everyone's Facebook and Instagram feeds look different if they were all doing more of what they love?  Can you imagine what a fun time it would be in the morning to pop open your feeds and see nothing but your friends and family talking about all the great things they are doing?  All that positivity would blow our minds.  Couldn't we all use a little more of that?  I know I could.

It doesn't need to touch all aspects of your life.  Consider though looking at changing even one thing in your day that allows you to do something that you love and that speaks to your passions in life.  If you do, I would love to hear about it!  2017 has the potential to be fabulous!  Let's all do more of what makes our heart sing!  Namaste!

Why another blog?

Here's the thing, I love writing.  I have another blog that I use to deal with my mental health issues and how I work through that in my days.  It turns out, I really want to write about more than my struggles and successes in that department. 

Random Ramblings seemed the best name for it as I am not sure I want to pigeon hole my thoughts to any one topic.  I am in the midst of the "rodeo lull" and also dealing with a post-concussion recovery that is taking it's sweet time, so what better time to come up with some topic to blog about?  

Let me introduce myself, I am a damn-near 40 year old mom of 2 with a supportive, but equally crazy husband.  We live on a ranch, raise quarter horses, hold down two full time jobs AND I run a holistic healing business on the side when I can fit it in (which is less and less lately).  Some days, I think I pass myself coming and going, never mind the rest of the family.  Our 17 year old son is a cowboy to the core.  Since he was little, we wanted to bull ride, now as he nears adulthood, his aspirations are shifting somewhat to ranching cowboy instead (that's ok by me).  Our 14, nearly 15, going on 24 year old daughter is a rough and tough cowgirl who enjoys pretty much anything where she gets to go fast.  They both compete in the Alberta High School Rodeo Association and have also been competing in Central Alberta Rodeo Association (mostly because we like that they are closer to home than the LRA, WRA series).

We often talk about all the things we will do when we aren't chasing the kids around, but to be honest, we both know that we will have a big hole to fill.  This past year, I bought myself a little mare that I am hoping will be a barrel/gymkhana prospect for me.  She is a nice complement to 16.2 hh ranchy gelding.  My hubby loves team roping.  He has been going to a few practices, but it is hard to commit around so many other commitments.

We have cut our quarter horse herd by more than half because, quite frankly, I believe that any breeder of any animal should be working at bettering the breed they are working with and making  true job out of it, not doing a half-ass one.  Due to our jobs, the kids' extracurricular activities AND rodeo, we just weren't getting time to spend with the young ones.  It is sad, but I would rather hold off til we have more time on our hands and if we still want to build ranchy quarter horses that can be used for everything from open showing to working on a ranch and any sport in between, we will take another shot at it.  

Lately, we have been talking a lot of blue-sky talking - you know, the someday, sometime, maybe, could possibly, is a bit on the wild side, stretching the box kind of talking.  We have bounced ideas around from moving far far away and saying to hell with life as is, revamping everything we have here, both talked of going back to school, you name it.  Regardless of if we do it, it's fun sometimes to think outside of the box.  

Anyhow, I won't ramble on too long right now as I don't want to scare anyone off before I finish my first entry, but thought a little intro would be sufficient.