Coffee thoughts: The Deck is My Life?

As a I sit here today on this beautiful fall morning outside in the fall, I am pondering the fact that this deck is a metaphor for my life this year. It’s a shitty deck.  No point beating around the bush. 

More than half the rails are gone, there are more holes than not, more rotten boards than good ones. That’s how my life feels this year - someone took some rails off when my dad died and now the world feels less safe, less normal. The rotten boards and holes are the many land mines we have had to walk around, through and over - the endless snow, need for feed, truck rolls, endless truck and trailer repairs, dogs being run over, cows dying, calves dying, 16 year old beloved pets dying, vet bills, horses being lame, cars hitting calves, calving season nightmares are made of, loss of jobs, jobs six hours from home, new jobs that halt some dreams, 7000 new ways a government can put their hands in your pocket (indeed bring cash), sad to say, I could go on.

On the flip side, the deck still holds my chair when I want to have coffee with my dogs, it still holds my barbecue for when I want to cook for my family, it is a place to feed my dogs and cats. Those good qualities reflect our physical health, as it has continued to be one of our blessings, and our support system from near and far - the family and friends who lend a hand, lend a shoulder, lend money, text and call, send thoughts and prayers. 

So the deck isn’t all bad, but it’s pretty crappy. So, here’s the thing. A new, better deck can be built. So why haven’t we ripped the crappy one off and started a new one? In what ways can we shed the unbelievable bad stretch of events we have had and start fresh? That’s the question. Maybe we will start by ripping off the deck. I really think if we don’t rip the deck off, it’s going to completely fall apart. I also believe that if we don’t make some significant decisions and life changes, our life and marriage are going to fall apart. 

The fact is the deck is not working out, we need a new one. This decision is not working out and we need a new one. This deck may really hurt someone if the fall through, our current life is going to hurt our relationships beyond repair. 

Now the question is, what kind of deck do we build? What kind of life do we build? Do we make a newer, bigger, fancier deck? Or a smaller, more for function than style deck.  Do we put a cover on it to protect it from weather? Do we put a hot tub in it for warmth and downtime? Do we spend a ton of money and time on this deck? Or do we go for simple and efficient?  The same could be said for our life choices.  

Truth be told, right now, I am not sure what the new deck will look like. I know I am really over the old one. It is starting to be more hazard than help. I feel the very same about our life. Like the rotting deck boards, something is going to give if we don’t replace it, mental health, marriage, financial fitness. It’s time to talk about the new deck.

Nevertheless, She Persisted

I have been thinking on this blog since a package showed up at my door on August 1. Clearly it's taken some time for me to get to it. On August 1, a surprise arrived in the mail from 2 of my favourite people.  It was an out of the blue surprise and in the card was a pretty necklace from Origami Owl that says "Nevertheless, She Persisted", with a lovely note from both ladies.  For those who know me, they know this has been an incredibly difficult year for many reasons, not the least of which was losing my dad 6 months ago.

I had my daughter put my necklace on that day and it hasn't been off of me since.  It has become a bit of a mantra.  As I think of the #domoreag and Mental Health in Agriculture movement, as I think of the pain of grief, loss and coping, as I think of ADHD, as I think of brain injuries, post concussion syndrome, making major life changes, I think that this mantra could not have come at a more perfect time. 

You see, I am unique, and yet I am not. My circumstances are unique to me, my challenges are unique to me, however, I am not the only one who has challenges.  There are so many people out there that need a mantra.  They need a gift out of the blue.  They need support, love, kindness, to know that someone cares.  They need reminders that they have a 100% survival rate of every bad day up until this point and that they can keep surviving.  If you aren't the person that is in need (and even if you are), reach out and lift someone else.  You honestly never know when your words or deeds may be the difference between a good day and a bad one, a nervous breakdown and a resolution to keep carrying on, a thought to take one's own life and to live. 

To ensure this isn't a multi page blog - as it bears some discussion over a few posts, I am going to try to keep my train of through from wandering too far off track, as it is wont to do.  The facts are that life throws challenges at us. It is not all sunshine and roses.  Anyone who says otherwise is either delusional or lying.  Plain and simple.  However, how we react to this challenges is the ball in our court.  As Gabrielle Bernstein likes to say in her book, The Universe Has Your Back, we need to thing of challenges and obstacles as Detours In The Right Direction.  I find this most challenging when I have lost sense of what the "right direction" is.  Learning to let the universe/source/God lead the way can be a hard lesson for some. Choosing my reaction instead of simply reacting, is also a test at times. Choosing to let go of some control is a stretch.

Back to the theme of persistence. There are a number of ways you can look at this - "One Day at a Time", as the 12 step programs for grief and addiction speak of, "Nevertheless, She Persisted" meaning she kept going despite of and because of everything that came before, "Keep Trucking" as Dave Dudley says in one of my dad's favourite trucking songs, "Brave the Wilderness" as Brene Brown would have us do.  Whatever works for you.  Whatever it takes to keep putting one foot in front of the other when everything is going to hell in a hand-basket and you have a hard time seeing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and better yet, that the light is not a train! 

I have fought with mental health troubles off and on most of my adult life.  Despite all the chaos in my world right now, that is one of the only battles I am currently winning.  I can certainly say that our first year as cattle owners, not just kids of cattle owners or ranch hands for someone else's operations, has tested every faculty we have. It has tested our marriage, it has decimated bank accounts, caused rifts with neighbours, caused us to be too familiar with the local veterinarians.  It continues to challenge us every day.  Yet, here we are, putting one foot in front of each other, the best way we can. And we have to be content that somedays, that may be all that we can do.  One foot in front of the other.  Other days, we may run, jump, celebrate and laugh - those are the bright spots!

Some days, it is all I can do to remember that I have survived 100% of the bad days so far.  Other days, I love my life.  I can't tell you percentages, as it changes monthly, sometimes by the hour, as to how many good vs. bad there are.  All I know, is that I am persisting.  Every day.  One foot in front of the other.  Through the endless winter of 2018, through the awful calving season with big calves and heifer cows, through the mystery disease that wiped out almost 1/3 of our calves, through my husband going back to work in Grande Prairie, through the grief of losing my dad, through a summer of cows pretending that what fences we have don't exist and exasperated neighbours, through going back to work myself full-time, through days where my post-concussion syndrome would have me in a memory-failing brain fog that renders me near to useless to the world... Nevertheless, she persisted... God willing, she will continue to do so.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for us since we moved away. It is because of the people that we choose to have in our lives that we are able to keep going. It is because of people who send letters, send gifts out of the blue, send random texts saying, "let's chat, I miss you", who call and call and call even though I am terrible for answering or returning calls.  That's what keeps us as sane as we can be when the chips are down, everything is stacked against you and you want to quit. It is the people that we have made into our village that remind us that as disheartening, disappointing, sad and hard life may be at any given moment, that we have friends and we have family members that are rooting for us, lifting us, pushing us to keep going because they believe in us and whatever our dreams may be.  And it is knowing that no matter where we go (how many miles apart), or what we do (how many detours in the right direction we have to take), that we have an amazing village that is home for us, even when we don't feel at home in our physical space.  God bless. Namaste.