How many people do you know that have had or are having a "mid-life" crisis? Who determines what mid-life is? Is it 30? 40? 50? For me, my age really doesn't matter and it never has. I have always figured as long as I am on the topside of the grass, I am doing ok. What DOES bother me is my kids getting older.
Last night I had a breakthrough and breakdown. There is something about my firstborn graduating and turning 18 this year that is killing me. It's not because I don't think he's ready (ok, maybe a little). It's because I still remember packing him in my arms and making dinner for Josh when he was just a baby. I remember bringing his sister home from the hospital and how much he loved to lay with her on the floor and snuggle her. I remember our family trip to Disneyland when they were 8 and 5. It is all as clear as if it were yesterday.
How can 18 years have passed? When I was pregnant with him, I found out I had pregnancy anemia in a rather "smashing" way. I was on my last day at work at a car dealership I had been working at and 4 months pregnant. Didn't have breakfast before work on a Saturday. June 5, 1999 (that's right, I remember the date) - I served a customer and then passed out cold and smashed my face on the cement floor. Lost two teeth, spent the day at the hospital. Clear memories and yet I can barely remember what I did at work last week.
Our daughter is finishing Grade 9 this year and it is big for her as well. She has been at the same school since Grade 2. Then they move on to the high school. She has a beautiful dress bought and is planning makeup and hair with her friends. It all makes my heart hurt. She played her last basketball game of junior high a couple weeks ago and it broke my heart to miss it. I did cry at her last volleyball tournament.
Why are these things so hard on my heart? I am SO proud of the kids we have raised. I am SO proud of the young man and woman they are becoming. There are still days where I want to kill them, don't get me wrong, but overall, I think we have done well. So why is it so damn hard for me that they are hitting these milestones? It is a rite of passage, it is a normal thing. We want them to grow up, graduate, get a job, find a spouse, have babies. If that's the presumed natural order of things, why is it so hard to contemplate the big events coming our way?
I don't know the answer. I don't know if there is an answer. I just know that my heart breaks a little when I think of watching our handsome son in his cowboy hat, wranglers and suit jacket getting his diploma and moving out and on. My heart breaks a little at thinking of the fact that our house will likely no longer be the place that they all descend to hang out as they will have their own houses and their own lives. My heart breaks at thinking of our daughter being dressed to the nines and being a part of the Grade 9 farewell to their small town school.
My mid-life crisis isn't even over my age, it's over the thought that I am nearly 19 years married and our babies are growing up and nearly grown up. Our kids aren't kids anymore. The kids that I think of as my "adopted/heart" kids that have come into our lives as friends of our kids or kids of our friends are all growing up. Time really does fly. It's not a cliche, it's the damn truth. And no matter how proud I am of all these young men and women I am proud to have in my life, I am sad that they are growing up and spreading their wings. I am sad that they are priming themselves to leave home and go out on their own.
And all I can think about is, then what? Who does that make me when I am no longer mom of "kids", I am mom of adults? We have hobbies and we have friends and jobs and I know we will have a life after the kids, but dammit, I am not ready. I want to turn back the hands of time and rock my babies in my arms again. I want to see the joy on their little faces when we brought home their first horses, the excitement in their eyes on the first trip to Disneyland, the pride of those first buckles won. But Father Time doesn't allow the clock to be turned back and so here I sit, so very proud, but so very sad that somehow, the time to let the first one fly from the nest is nearly here and the second one won't be far behind.
