Choose your words carefully

I pride myself on being a work in progress, though I am also fine just the way I am.  The past few months, I have been working with a new process that helps get to the root of my limiting beliefs, processes them and resets the thought patterns.  It is in this work that I found myself returning to a time in my life I would prefer to forget.  

I grew up in a small rural community that was predominantly settled by people of one religion.  That is to say that when I got on the school bus in Kindergarten, I was the only child in my K-9 school that was not that religion.  While I am sure my dad had to deal with the same types of situations that his children were later subjected to, he chose to raise us in the same place he was born and raised.  

For years (and I mean YEARS as I am now 40), I have had a heart-stopping moment every single time a text or email came to me or my phone rang.  This happened at home and at work. I never understood it and found it frustrating.  I would literally hold my breath when opening an email or text and pray it wasn't bad.  You see, I was always expecting it to be someone mad at me or that they were going to tell me something that they didn't like about me or that I did wrong.  Today, I remembered the source of that heart-stopping fear that has been ongoing for 31 years.

As I went through my K-9 years, I had a few kids that would be nice to me from time to time.  Some that would even try to be my friend for awhile.  One in particular, was the daughter of one of my dad's friends through school and while they, too, were of the same religion, that must have given her more tolerance for us outsiders (her brothers were also good to my sister and brother).  Then there was a gal who moved in that came from a community where she was an outcast due to the opposite reason as mine, then another 2 non-church families moved to town.  This made it easier to have some friends, but I always felt on the verge of being cast out until high school when I moved to a different school with a bit more diversity.  

I remember a time in Grade 3 when I accidentally said oh my God and was absolutely annihilated by my classmates that were in the room at recess when I did it.  However, that wasn't the trigger of my decades of fear and worry about opening a text or email.  That happened in Grade 4.  I had been hanging out with one of the girls in the class and she had invited me over a couple times for a sleepover.  Apparently, that didn't sit well with someone else in the class.  She penned a very nasty note of hate - I remember that word being in there a number of times.  I also remember her telling me that I was stupid, poor and nobody liked me and that this other girl was only pretending because she had felt sorry for me, but she no longer wanted to hang out with me either.  The whole thing oozed meanness and hatrid for my perceived difference.  My only crime was to be born to a family that did not participate in the same religion as everyone else at my school.

The point of this is not a pity party - I don't want that or expect that.  What I want is to share this as a learning opportunity.  The old sticks and stones saying?  Bull shit.  Words stay with you for a long time.  Words can hurt for a long time.  Words can cause someone to have anxiety, to go into depression, to commit suicide.  WORDS HAVE POWER.  Choose your words carefully.  Teach your kids to choose their words carefully.  I guarantee that young girl has no idea that she wreaked havoc on the last 31 years of my life.  She probably only has a vague recollection of me, if any.  However, she broke my heart and she caused me to live in irrational fear for so many years.  She made me believe I was worthless and unworthy of love.  All from a one-page handwritten note put on my desk in Grade 4.

We need to choose compassion and kindness.  As a species, we need to treat each other better.  We need to look past the outside trappings of race, class, gender and see the soul on the inside.  There is so much hate and meanness - you have only to breeze through your social media feeds to see it.  "Be the change you wish to see in the world" as Gandhi says.  It can start with each of us.  

I knew that when I was working on this issue that it was meant to be a lesson, not just for me, but for me to share with others to encourage a different way of thinking.  To encourage us to talk to our kids about what they say to someone in a Snapchat picture, text message, Kik, Facebook, Twitter and more.  It takes very few words to impact someone's whole life and outlook on themselves.  Why not make that impact positive?  

Mother of an adult child? I am not ready for this :(

It has been a long time since I blogged and this isn't some highly controversial topic, so whether it gets read or not will remain to be seen.  To be honest, if it doesn't, it's okay with me as I am writing this one for me.

Today is a momentous day in our lives.  Our first born child turns 18.  That means he is now an adult.  No longer a child.  So what? He's only a day older than yesterday, right?  True, but so much changes with the stroke of midnight on the first legal birthday.

All of a sudden, he can vote.  He can go to the bar (in Alberta, anyhow).  He can get married without my permission.  He can get a tattoo without my permission.  Borrow money (from someone other than us).  His taxes go up.  He starts paying into government programs that he will likely never get to use.  It's all just a little too much for me to wrap my head around.

This is all mixed up with immense pride at how far he has come.  How he has grown from tiny baby of 7lbs 10oz to 135lbs of man (that just does NOT seem right - man???)?  How can it possibly be 18 years since we were in the hospital in Lacombe dealing with awful back labour and every doctor, intern, nurse and random guy off the street was popping in to check the expansion of my nether regions?  How can it be 18 years ago since members of both sides of the family were sitting in the waiting room waiting on news of the first grandchild on either side of the family (for my mom on my side at least)?  

 Why does all of this looking back make me want to bawl my eyes out?  It's not like we have raised a serial killer or I am concerned about him being a deadbeat or that I think he's going to be living a lonely, sad existence.  I am not.  He has good morals, he is a hard worker, he's smart, he's so kind and genuine, he has good taste in friends and in girlfriends and he is good to his family.  All of these are things for hubby and I to be proud of.  From our own early days as a young married couple without a clue what to do with this baby we had planned for to today with a really good life - we managed to raise a smart, kind, loyal, able-bodied, funny, genuine young man.  So, why the sadness?  Why the aching heart?  Why the tears?

Here's what I think.  I think that it is all a little too much, too soon.  I mean, from the time they are born, we are always thinking about how we can't wait until they say mama or dada and we can't wait til they walk, can't wait til they go to school, can't wait til they go out into the world... The fact is, we wish away so much time.  Even if we are enjoying the moment, we are still wishing for the next big milestone.  Well, one of them is here right now and I don't like it.  I don't want it to be time yet.  I am not ready.  Dammit, I AM NOT READY.

It's not that I feel old.  I don't care about my age.  I am still alive, I am in pretty good health, I have a good life.  It is just a number.  What I feel is sad.  I wish I could go back and slow those moments down.  That I would have hugged him a little longer, snuggled with him a few more times.  I wish I could put into words how full my heart is of love and pride.  I wish that I hadn't wished so much away. I feel like I just want to go back in time and start again.  Chances are, if we did, we would screw it up, but I am just not ready to be done with my job.  Our daughter is probably going to hate me because I will be needing to feel like I have to hang on to her a bit tighter and smother her a bit more for the next 2 1/2 years.

The hardest thing I ever did in my life aside from saying goodbye to my grandmother what I felt was 20 years too early, was leaving our boy in Alberta when we moved.  In a sense, he has been an adult since July 20, 2017 as he has been on his own since then.  But this sort of finalizes it.  It is sort of like someone has taken a machete to the last invisible remnants of the umbilical cord and sliced it away.  For as much as I am proud and full of love and hope and happiness for his future, I am sad that 18 years went by so fast.

Take my advice... Hold onto the moments.  Don't wish away time.  Don't wish that you had more time to go on vacation, that you had more time to read and do all the things YOU want to do.  Just embrace the little moments, celebrate the big ones and do yourself and your kids a favour and be present.  Get off your phone.  Get them off theirs.  Take pictures but don't get so busy taking pictures that you forget to enjoy the memories your are capturing.  Hug them a little longer than is comfortable for them.  When they want to snuggle, don't brush them off because you have stuff to do.  The stuff will wait.  And in the end, if you are like me, even if you do all of that, you are still going to wish you had done more.  You are going to think that it went by too fast.

We only get them for a short time even though it may seem like forever when you first feel that nudge of life within you.  They should never doubt they are loved by their parents... EVER.

He's 18 today.  My heart is full, so are my eyes.  It went by too fast.  I am so not ready for this, but it's not about me anymore, it's all him.  I know he's going to do great things and make his mark in this world.  I hope he just remembers once in awhile to call his mom.  To tell her he loves her.  To come home to visit.  To snuggle on the couch like we used to, even when he's 40.

Who would have thought this would be such a bittersweet day?  I am just so not ready for this...

How much can the rural Canadian take?

Alberta Farm Express Article

Financial Post Article

Western Producer Article

It seems that yet again, there are upcoming changes that are not supposed to be aimed at the working class that are going to impact the bottom line of many throughout the country.  It is getting to the point where we are going to be working until October to pay the government instead of June with so many taxes on everything.

The move to BC from Alberta has definitely brought with it an unpleasant shock of how the PST really affects the bottom line of your budget.  We knew there was tax when we moved here, it's not that we didn't, but when you go to pick up $650 worth of windows and your bill is $728 of your after income tax paid earnings, it starts to feel like you are spinning your wheels to go nowhere.  5% GST is first and then PST of 7%.  

When we look at what the Liberal government is proposing, as one of the people who will definitely be affected by the changes, I am a little tired of being nickel and dimed to death.  Oh wait, I am a lot tired and it's Loonie-d and Toonie-d to death.  The Liberal government has yet to define what they perceive is the "middle class".  Is middle class everyone just above the poverty line to $60,000/year or does it actually consider the actual Median total income by family in Canada in 2015 was $80,940?  

With all of the changes thrown at us both from an agricultural perspective and a business perspective, plus minimum wage changes coming up in both BC and Alberta, Bill 6 in Alberta, NDP governments in both provinces looking to tax the middle and upper to support the lower, it feels damn near impossible to get ahead.  The impact all of these changes will have on our rural communities could be huge.  Will the businesses be able to stay viable?  Will farmers give up and just sell their land to the big corporations?  Will there be any time or money left at the end of the day to enjoy what we all are supposedly working toward?

We worked our butts off to get to where we are today.  Prior to moving we were in the 35-45 age group with dual income and a sizable income tax bill every year.  Yet, every year we have paid it.  Mostly without complaint.  The reason we don't complain is because we believe in infrastructure advancements, health care benefits, education for the masses.  What we don't believe in is lining politicians pockets with our hard-earned money.  We also don't believe that the hard-working achievers of the world need to support those who choose to sit on their asses instead of getting out there and going to work.  Do I think there are those who legitimately need support as they are unable to work?  Absolutely.  Do I think that there are people on assistance and EI that should be working, you bet I do.  I love the idea of socialism and taking care of each other.  It is a fantastic ideal.  But shouldn't those of us who work hard to make a better living for ourselves be left with enough money at the end of the day to look after our own first?  

According to a Fraser Institute report done in 2014, the average family's tax bill has risen by 1832% since 1961.  We start with income tax - federal and provincial (pre-deduction if there is any left after the government continues to make changes to the system), the average of which is 42% according to a National Post article from 2014 (probably higher now).  So, we are down to $0.58/dollar earned.  Now we have GST at 5%, PST at 5 - 8% in various provinces, property taxes, fuel taxes, import taxes, land transfer taxes and of course sin taxes.  What does that leave to use for groceries, clothing and shelter?  

This begs the question - at the end of the day, what do I get for my tax dollars?  Military?  Well, I guess it's nice that we can send Peace Keepers to other locations in the world with less than stellar equipment (until we buy new planes from Boeing so we can help them out with tax dollars for the umpeenth time), but we don't take care of our veterans when they get home.  Education?  Well, public education is subsidized so that bill is only going to be a couple hundred dollars for our one child in school this year, however when looking at University courses and costs for a 4 year undergrad program, we are looking at about $80,000 out of pocket.  Infrastructure?  Well, BC & Alberta have pretty good highways, so I guess that's good, though I would love for the construction fairies to do all their work when it doesn't inconvenience me, kidding.  However, when we look at the wildfire fighting crapshow going on in BC right now, I am not so sure that the infrastructure dollars are that well spent.  Health care?  This one grinds me.  As a relatively healthy family of four, we don't see the doctor a lot, thank goodness.  We do have a few monthly prescriptions which cost us around $150/mth and another $150 for BC Care (provincial health care), which is $3600 minimum a year out of our pocket, plus the $75/bi-weekly that we pay for my husband's crappy benefit plan at work, so that is another $1800.  Despite the fact that we pour so much of our tax dollar into the health care system, a relatively healthy family is still paying $5400/year for health care services.  (This does not include the cost of physiotherapy, chiropractic, massage, etc.)  Our homeless shelters are overflowing, there is still an unacceptable level of poverty in our country given how much money we send elsewhere to third-world countries in support, our veterans are left high and dry, our seniors are treated like animals in assisted living facilities that aren't staffed properly or fit for anyone, let alone someone who has spent their time contributing to our great nation.

It is no wonder that everyone feels pinched and is utilizing the options available to them through succession planning on farms, income splitting through businesses and every other possible solution as we are already paying an incredible amount of tax and I really don't think we are getting much bang for our buck.  Do I think that the millionaires need to pay their fair share?  Yes, I do.  Do I think that we need to look out for each other and take care of our neighbours, yes I do.  Do I think that the tax money could be spent better?  Absolutely.  

Our family is what I would call the upper-middle class from an income perspective and we worked damn hard to be here.  With all of the taxes calculated in, I would say that in our years as tax payers we have contributed more than a million dollars in taxes to the system (probably more, but I can't bear to do the calculation).  I can't say that I feel like that million dollars was well spent and I certainly don't want to have to donate more of our hard earned money to the various levels of government so that they can mismanage it.  Imagine if we had that money at our disposal to invest it into the economy and grow it and make our communities a better place.  

It is time to get educated, write letters, make noise.  I am concerned about how these changes will affect my family, but more importantly, I am concerned about how it will affect rural communities throughout the country which is a demographic that no one in the current provincial (BC & Alberta specifically as my knowledge of the others is not first hand) and federal governments seem to give a damn about.

Where is the love?

How in 2017 can we possibly still live in a world where we have rallies of white supremacists?  How?  I can not fathom why this type of thinking even still exists in this day and age.  Extremist groups of any form are scary and it doesn't matter what the collective "ideal" is that joins them together.  

As someone who lives a pretty mundane existence, grew up on a ranch in Southern Alberta when the school I went to from K-9 was 99% mormon and 100% white with the exception of a couple first nations foster kids throughout the 10 years I went to school there.  I went to high school in a town with the Blood Indian Reserve right next door, some who attended our school and very little else in terms of racial diversity.  From there I have lived in primarily caucasian and primarily Christian locations, not because we chose that, but because it is the nature of rural Alberta.  Despite my upbringing surrounded by people of my own "colour", I have no ill will towards any other race or ethnic group.  (I won't get started on how I feel about religion - that's a blog for another day).

If a caucasian, small town Alberta girl can have an open mind and heart to live and let live, why can't everyone?  Many days, I wish that people presented to each other as souls and not as human flesh.  Would we be so quick to judge then?  If all we saw was another's deepest desires, their longing to be loved and accepted, their ambitions, dreams and fears, would we still have hate in our hearts?  To me, it is no different if you are LGTBQ or any other variation.  The only place that I draw the line is at those that harm others with criminal intent.  Once you have crossed that line, I can no longer support your "right" to certain freedoms.  You chose to forfeit those when you committed criminal acts.

At the end of the day, what difference does it make to anyone if my skin is purple, brown, green, white or orange?  Does it change who I am on the inside?  If I prefer to sleep with women instead of men, does that make me someone less worthy of love, kindness and compassion?  Who would I be harming in those situations?  No one.  So, why do people judge?  Why do they assume they have the right to judge?  Why do people feel they have a right to be superior over any other human?

In my work as a lightworker or energy healer, I firmly believe that we are all made of energy.  When you break every person, plant and animal down to the barest of bones, we are molecules and atoms banging around together making us a certain form.  If every single person on earth is made up of energy, are we not all one and the same?  And if that line of thinking were true, then how can any one person be "better" energy than another?  

When it comes down to it, we have choices to make.  We can choose to be part of the problem, or we can choose to rise above, choose to educate ourselves, act in kindness and love.  Even more importantly, we can lead by example, we can teach our children and our loved ones to treat others with kindness and love.  Wars could not be created if everyone acted out of love and compassion and worried less about money, power and greed.  Can you imagine the vibration of the world's energy if every person acted in kindness instead of hate?  How amazing would it be to see each person you pass on the street smiling and greeting others?  How terrific to see people helping those less fortunate in whatever way possible?  

Do people really willingly choose hatred and fear?  Why?  Because they don't know better?  That is no excuse in this day and age.  Those of us who do not choose it need to retaliate against the hate, the fear, the rage.  However, we must be strategic in our retaliation.  Destroying symbols of the extremist groups is simply sinking to their level.  We must retaliate with love.  Kindness. Compassion.  Set an example for others, educate some, stand up for those less fortunate, the down-trodden, those who cannot stand up for themselves.  Small acts of kindness in our every day lives go a long way.  We need to do them not because we will be recognized for it, not because others are watching, but because it is the right thing to do.  We need to look into the eyes of the souls of the people we come across and not look at their clothes, colour, religion, sexual orientation.  

Will you join me in standing up and spreading love?  One person really can make a difference.  Can we show the world where the love is?  Of course we can, but will we?

Common Sense - Where are you?

What in the world has happened to our human race?  Why is common sense a thing of the past? I can think of so many examples of common sense being thrown out the window.  In particular, what has me fired up right now, if you'll pardon the pun, is the idiots in fire ban areas having campfires (non-propane) and throwing their cigarette butts out the window.  

You would need to be literally living under a rock in BC to not know that the province is on fire.  Even my father-in-law who lives off the grid with no power lines or cell phones knows.  If you have walked outside anywhere in the province south of Prince George in the past week alone, you would have seen smoke 4 out of 7 days or more in most areas.  You would have smelled it.  God knows as obsessive as people are about social media these days that you would have read about it, heard it in a coffee shop, seen it on the news, heard it on a radio.  There is no way that you can convince me that someone has not heard about this.

Just this morning I read an article about a fatality occurring in BC due to a cigarette butt being thrown out a window.  Someone stopped, picked it up, followed them and threw the cigarette butt at the woman who had tossed it.  A fight followed and one person ended up dead from hitting their head on the counter in Starbucks after being punched.  Now I am not saying this is the right way to handle this situation, but I can understand the frustration behind the punch.

There have been a number of people fined for having campfires in fire ban areas.  Someone was celebrating his return home to his evacuated community by getting drunk and setting off fireworks.  What in the hell is wrong with people?  Have we become such a selfish and entitled first world culture, that we don't even comprehend anything outside of our own perceived reality?  How could anyone possibly think that having a fire right now is a good idea?  I won't even use our barbecue.  Not only do I not want my place going up in flames in the tinder dry conditions, but I can't imagine how I would feel if I was the cause of my neighbours losing their livestock, their homes, their livelihoods. 

People are up in arms because they aren't "allowed" to ride their ATVs in the crown land. I love quadding and it is a ton of fun; it is a great way to spend a weekend.  It is not worth sparking a fire and lighting a thousand hectares on fire though.  Not for a couple hours of fun for me.  

These kinds of selfish acts make me mad.  Who never taught these people to think about someone other than themselves?  Where I grew up, we were outcasts in the community due to our not being a part of the predominant religion and yet my parents and grandparents still taught us the importance of family, friends, looking out for others less fortunate, contributing to the greater good where possible, building a better community one quilt or one dinner or one small gesture at a time.   Where is this message lacking these days?

I wish I had the answer, unfortunately, I truly don't know where that gap is.  The fact is, we have surrounded ourselves throughout our lives with like-minded people.  We have volunteered in many ways to help build stronger communities, assisted neighbours, cooked meals for busy friends and been on the receiving end as well.  How can people grow up with no common sense?  No sense of something bigger than themselves?  So incredibly entitled?  

If you have thoughts on it, I would love to hear them.  My sentiment is that we have gotten too far away from the Darwinian principles.  We have bubble wrapped the people who should have perished from their own stupidity long ago, and instead they are a danger to the rest of the world.  If you don't know that the coffee you are ordering from Tim's is hot, you shouldn't be out on your own, you certainly shouldn't need a cup warning you about it.  If you cannot comprehend that the bears on the side of the road in the national park and backcountry are WILD animals and not a backdrop for an up-close selfie, you probably deserve to get eaten by the bear.  If you break into someone's house and you get shot - that is karma, that is a natural reaction of self defense - that is not someone infringing on your rights as a human being.

Every day, our news and social media feeds are full of things that some idiot has done because they are selfish and feel entitled to something which in turn has endangered them (oh darn) or endangered others, the environment or more.  Instead of an $1150 fine for having a fire in a fire ban area, I think that they should have to put in 115 hours on the front lines with the firefighters.  But no, that would be "too harsh".  

Unfortunately, most of the entitle folks I have met, are not willing to be educated out of their selfish ways.  So, now I am asking, what can we do to have a more other-ish culture going forward.  The kind that takes care of our elderly, that ensures our veterans of all ages and from all combats have food and clothing, that would never consider having a fire in the midst of the worst wildfire season in over 60 years?  How can we bring our children up to be other-ish, to think about the greater good, the environment, the neighbours, the animals?  

I don't know if we have succeeded, but I know we have damn sure tried with our kids and we have tried to instill it in other ways through our own volunteerism and leading by example.  I am in no way perfect and I have been known to be selfish on occasion, but I am always aware that my actions have a reaction and it is important that the reaction will not hurt other people, animals or the environment.  

Who Says I Should?

I always meant for this blog to be a trip through the random thoughts in my brain, not just horse and rodeo related thoughts.  My last blog had 130 views which is insane.  Prior to that my most viewed blog was 46.  So, WOW!  The power of a few shares on social media!

This morning as I was doing my "morning pages" part of a project I am doing called the Artist's Way created by Julia Cameron, I had a couple thoughts come to me.  I was reminiscing on yesterday and how much unpacking I had done, tidying, sorting and trying to make our new house a home.  As I was doing that, I also thought about my indulgent binge watch of ShadowHunters on Neflix starting at about 8:30.  What came next is what has me drawn to blog about it.

As I was thinking about the 5 episodes I watched until 12:30 or so in the morning, I started to feel guilty that I hadn't gone out and rode my horse instead or that I didn't finish unpacking the boxes in the kitchen.  All these "shoulds" were going through my brain.  "Instead of wasting time watching TV, you should have been going out for a ride, you should have been painting the last bit of bathroom that needs a second coat, you should have been unpacking the last two boxes in the kitchen, you should have, you should have, you should have."

To that, I say - WHO SAYS I SHOULD?  Why do I have this inner voice that guilts me at every single turn?  Why have we created such an existence where a little downtime is something to feel guilty for.  I left my job at the Credit Union one month ago due to our relocation and ever since then, despite fitting in ridiculous amounts of things in a month, all I could think is that I should have done more.  How much can one person do?  I am not superwoman.  I know that.  So, why do I hold myself to such unrealistic standards?

So, what I am really pondering is where the voice in my head is coming from?  Is it my mom and dad in some buried memory?  I don't think so as my mom was a farm wife who baked, cooked, cleaned, ranched, helped with calving, drove us to 4-H and sports and still had time to watch Another World and General Hospital in the afternoons most days.  Dad worked a day job (after his years as a long haul trucker) and he ranched in the evenings, but he almost always sat in his recliner after dinner for a drink and a smoke and a relax.  My grandmother was one of the hardest working women I knew and she still took time to play in her flower beds, read a book on a lawn chair in the sun.  

Is it my husband?  Is he behind the "shoulds"?  No, I really don't think so.  He is an incredibly hard working guy and he doesn't make a lot of time for downtime as he likes to keep busy, but I don't recall him ever telling me that I should be doing something other than what I was doing.  Sometimes I feel lumped in with the kids during his "lazy ass" rants at them when he's frustrated at them; I honestly don't think he means me when he does them though.  

So, why?  Why do I feel this overwhelming sense that if I sit still too long, I am a useless bum?  Why does sitting on the ground playing with the dogs feel like something I should hide from people?  Sitting in my backyard enjoying a beer or wine makes me feel guilty.  

It has to stop.  I am guessing somewhere buried in my psyche, I felt unappreciated or unlovable or something that has me in a guilty flurry mentally every time I stop doing.  A big part of our relocation was for us to slow down the almighty chase for the dollar, the constant 24/7 nature of the oilfield, the 2 full time jobs, 2 kids in multiple activities that we could never attend, 20+ horses and dogs that forgot what we looked like.  Not having a job has me rattled as other than mat leaves, I have worked for the past 24 years.  Not having a job off the ranch doesn't make me an unemployed bum, though.  It is not a reason to feel inadequate.

It's time to grab this bull by the horns and castrate the sucker.  I refuse to live my days feeling guilty every time I sit down.  I am going to work on shutting that voice in my head up, or at the very least spinning it to a positive vibe. How enjoyable can life be if we never sit still and enjoy the moment?  I want to be able to have a FaceTime conversation with my friend or sister and not think about what I "should" be doing.  I want to go for a ride on my horse and not worry about the fact that I didn't sweep the floors before I left.  I want to putz around in my garden and flowers and not feel like I should get a job and do something "worthwhile" with my time.  So, that's what I am going to do.  It will take time to break some of these habits and self-talk that is disturbing my peace, but I am determined to let this new adventure actually sink in, enjoy conversations with friends back home, enjoy spending time with my daughter just hanging out in the pool or backyard, enjoy throwing a frisbee or ball for an hour with a crazy dog, watch the horses eat grass, on occasion binge watch some silly show on Netflix. 

Life is too damn short to get so tied up in the shoulds that we don't enjoy the NOW.  What we SHOULD be doing is smelling the roses, spending time with our loved ones as we never know what tomorrow could bring, walking the dog, enjoying the beautiful bounty of mother earth, the smell of horse sweat on a nice long ride.  So, that's what I am going to do!  My challenge is for you to do it too, especially if you are a "should-er" like me.  

Brain Bucket? To helmet or not to helmet?

Life has been more than crazy for the last 3 months which is why I haven't taken the time to blog.  Now that I am into my new adventure and have a few minutes to sit down with my coffee, I am dedicating time to my writing. 

Today I want to touch on a topic that is a hot one and has been a source of irritation and contention in our household.  Western and rodeo riding with a helmet. 4-H Alberta requires helmets for anyone born after 2000.  Our kids both hated their helmets, though our son was far worse than our daughter.  Every 4-H ride was a fight.  Because the region we were in required helmets for everyone, we enforced that at our club level.  No amount of discussion, workshop on benefits or fighting would convince our son that wearing a riding helmet wasn't all that bad.

To be fair, we have never worn helmets as western riders in our lives both prior to and while being parents. The kids of course want to know why we don't and they have to.  Because I said so doesn't seem to be an acceptable answer.  I tried one for awhile because as the 4-H Leader, I felt I should lead by example.  I found it uncomfortable, constricting and I have to admit, though I wouldn't call myself vain - I thought it looked dorky.  Hubby tried it for a few rides, but due to his rather large melon, we would have had to spend $300 to find one that would even fit his head, so he stuck with his cowboy hat.

On the flip side, we NEVER ride our quads without our helmets.  I would never consider allowing our son to ride steers without a helmet.  So, why is it any different when riding a horse?

There is plenty of research and proof that helmets have the potential to save lives and at least reduce the severity of injury, yet we have not embraced it from a western riding culture.  Insurance is pushing harder and harder for under 18 riders to be wearing helmets at all times in various associations.  I can see this becoming an issue for rodeo associations around the continent, including High School and especially Junior High Rodeo.  If it comes down to an association being able to put on their event or not putting on a revenue producing event for the community, they are going to do what Insurance says they have to.  (I will save my rant about Insurance for another blog)  

In December, I was at a local gymkhana with my husband, daughter and some friends.  It's a super fun group and we had been having a lot of fun with the series.  I was running two horses in every event.  I had run my little mare in barrels and all went off without a hitch.  Next up I had my big gelding to run.  This horse is placid, laid back and slow.  I was really riding him just for fun because he's never shown any interest in speed.  We were running home after 3rd (I use the term running loosely, but he was going about as fast as I have ever ridden him).  Something happened and I lost my seat and came off the side of him.  He cut hard left at the fence and I kept going right into it... with my head.

I am 8 months post skull fracture, concussion, traumatic brain injury.  It has only been in the last week that I have been able to open a horse up into a lope.  I have had ongoing Post Concussion Syndrome, a consult with a neurosurgeon about repairing my fracture, there are bone fragments floating around between my brain and skull.  My memory is crap, I had terrible vestibular issues which seem to have resolved themselves in the last month and most of all, I have a form of PTSD.  This is not war veteran stuff or sexual assault victim severity and I want to clarify that. However, despite riding since I was 2 years old, I have become almost terrified to get on, let alone lope a horse.  So, going for a ride this week on two different horses and loping on both of them with less fear of coming off was refreshing and downright breathtaking (in a good way).

Guess what?  I am now wearing a helmet.  It turns out, with all of my ongoing troubles, I am not willing to become a vegetable and not be around for the next 50 years to torment my husband, support my kids, help out my parents and snuggle any grandbabies that might come my way.  The thought of going through further memory loss, issues with vision, vocabulary issues and possible brain surgery scares the crap out of me.  

I had been borrowing my daughter's helmet whenever I was able to convince myself to get on a horse, but a couple weeks ago we went shopping and I bought myself a new helmet.  It's one of the Fallon Taylor ones.  That's not why I bought it though, I bought it because it's comfortable.  AND my daughter says on a dork scale of 1 - 10, it's a 4 and hers was a 6 on me.  I still feel weird putting it on to jump on a horse in a western saddle.  The fact is I stared in the face what I was willing to lose and right now, I feel like it is enough to give me confidence to ride and allow me a buffer of safety for my brain as God only gifted me with one of them.

So, to helmet or not to helmet?  English riders have been wearing them forever.  Extreme sports wear them (dirt biking, quadding, skydiving and more and more in bull riding).  As I look around the rodeo arena though, I wonder what is the difference between a bull rider and a bronc rider?  Why would a bull rider strap on a helmet more easily than someone who is likely to get thrown farther at a higher rate of speed from the back of a running and bucking horse?  How many times have we seen a barrel racing wreck that ended up with the rider hitting their head on something (ground, fence, barrel, horse)?  I commend Fallon Taylor for doing her part as a high profile rodeo contestant for wearing helmets and making it less taboo for young girls starting out.

I am still of the opinion that it is a personal choice.  In this case, it isn't like drinking and driving where you are putting others at risk.  This is about what an individual feels about the risk involved and their ability to manage the risk.  At this point in time, I am choosing to manage my risk by wearing a helmet.  My husband and kids are choosing not.  However, they are making an educated choice as we have had workshops and education around the benefits of helmets.  They have seen my struggles and dealt with them firsthand.  

I still think I look dorky, I still don't really like how it feels, but the risk of living more months the way I have lived the last 8 is too much in my mind, so I am mitigating it with my "cute" Fallon Taylor brain bucket that has a pretty, but subtle pattern on it.  I have loped on two different horses in 3 days which is something I haven't done since my wreck.  I feel confident about getting back to gymkhanas and barrel jackpots, so I guess I will learn to be the dorky looking one and know that my brain is better off for it, both physically and mentally.

Living Rural: People make the difference

Well, here it is, the end of an 8 year era.  Josh and I have been together for nearly 21 years.  Wow!  I don't feel old enough for that to be the case.  Our first 13 years together included many moves for school, for work, for school and work.  From our humble beginnings in Pincher Creek as teenagers, to Red Deer and Lacombe for me to go to college to Veteran for work to Crossfield for Josh to get his trade at SAIT to Lacombe because we love Central Alberta to Beaverlodge for Josh's work, to Central Alberta because we love it to um... well, truth be told, that's a big question mark right now.

8 years we have called this piece of land between Clive and Tees home.  Here's how I know that people can make all the difference in the world.  When we first moved here, we knew a lot of people in Lacombe from the 5 or so years we had already lived there off and on.  We didn't know many people outside of Lacombe.  The beautiful thing about a rural location is the people.

We moved here in July of 2009. In August, being country bumpkins and rodeo lovers all of our lives, we decided to head to the Tees Rodeo for the day.  The kids had a blast and we could not believe the way the day seemed to go almost flawlessly with only a few people running around behind the scenes that we could see.  We enjoyed the day so much that we went home, grabbed our holiday trailer and took it to the grounds for the night so we could check out the cabaret.  Luckily we found some folks that we knew from our dayhome in our previous life and some friends that we had kept in touch with off and on throughout the years.  We were so impressed that we hit them up about being a part of the Ag Society because we wanted to help out with this fantastic little rodeo in what appeared to be a open and welcoming community.

Anyone who has lived in a small town or rural area knows that able an willing bodies are becoming more and more few and far between, so we were welcomed with open arms, told when the next meeting was and I am sure they thought they would never see us again.  But, we were at the next meeting, and the next and the next.  This little community that we were so fortunate to move into gave us some of the best friends in the world.  It gave us a place to truly call home.  So much so that within a year we were hosting a couple meetings to see if there would be enough interest to start a horse and rodeo 4H club in the area.  Our information meeting, we had 8 families show up.  We only needed 8 kids to start a club and we had two.  From the looks of that meeting we were cooking with gas.

We started our little 4-H club and we created a family.  There are no words to say how lucky we are to have had the opportunity to have these people become a part of our lives.  This is our 7th year of leading the club and all of our closest friends in the area are 4-H families.  We have watched our kids grow together, watched them change, seen them graduate, go off to college and now even getting married.  To me, they are all "my" kids.

There is something about living rural that brings out what I believe is the best in people.  Having animals to take care of takes a commitment level that not everyone is willing to see through.  Wanting to have a community that continues to be a place that you want to call home and teach your children to be involved in isn't something everyone is invested in.  I truly believe that people make the difference when you live in the country.

We live in between a village and a hamlet and both have a passionate volunteer base.  There are people who show up month after month to keep these little communities viable and relevant so that their kids and grandkids have a place to continue to call home.  I am so proud of the contribution we have made to our communities, but moreso, I am proud to call the people who have been doing these things for decades our friends.  Without the people who are willing to fundraise, take care of boring business matters on a monthly basis, make tough decisions to keep things going, apply for grants and submit proposals, these rural communities would all become ghost towns.

The people who show up time and again to do these things are the backbone of rural Alberta.  They are the backbone of the Agriculture industry in Canada.  They are the people who continue to develop and sustain in an economy that is struggling.  I believe it is so important to be these people.  People who care about something bigger than themselves.  People who reach out and work to make their community a viable place.  I want our children to be these people.  People who start 4-H clubs and bring families with similar interests together.  People who are directors on Ag Societies and Community Clubs like the Lions, Rotary, Elks, etc.  People who want to make a difference for other people.

When we moved here 8 years ago and decided to grab our proverbial shovels and dig in to do our part to make a difference, we never realized all the ways that it would come back to us. It has tenfold.  Our lives are so rich thanks to the relationships we have made through our volunteer work.  Our closest friends are those we made through our rural community organizations.  Our kids' closest friends are children of our closest friends.  I know without a doubt that our kids have numerous adults that they could go to if they were in trouble and they were worried about coming to us as their parents.

Being a community volunteer and rural advocate takes time.  It is something that you have to fit in with your jobs, your ranches, your farms, your kids extra-curricular activities.  I am here to tell you that it's worth it.  The people make the difference.  The people have made a difference.  I am proud to be someone who works to make a difference, someone who has had the ability to watch some of the local kids grow up and head off into adulthood, someone who knows that those adults will go on to be stewards of their own communities wherever they end up.  I don't know yet where our journey is going to take us, but I know that wherever it is, we will grab our shovels and dig in because living rural is different and we want to be a positive part of that difference.

Time Passes By

2017 is going to be a big year for our family.  Looks like even more changes coming our way than we initially thought.  However, I am not getting into those on this ramble.  What I am going to talk about is the passage of time.

How many people do you know that have had or are having a "mid-life" crisis?  Who determines what mid-life is?  Is it 30? 40? 50?  For me, my age really doesn't matter and it never has.  I have always figured as long as I am on the topside of the grass, I am doing ok.  What DOES bother me is my kids getting older.

Last night I had a breakthrough and breakdown.  There is something about my firstborn graduating and turning 18 this year that is killing me.  It's not because I don't think he's ready (ok, maybe a little).  It's because I still remember packing him in my arms and making dinner for Josh when he was just a baby.  I remember bringing his sister home from the hospital and how much he loved to lay with her on the floor and snuggle her.  I remember our family trip to Disneyland when they were 8 and 5.  It is all as clear as if it were yesterday. 

How can 18 years have passed?  When I was pregnant with him, I found out I had pregnancy anemia in a rather "smashing" way.  I was on my last day at work at a car dealership I had been working at and 4 months pregnant.  Didn't have breakfast before work on a Saturday.  June 5, 1999 (that's right, I remember the date) - I served a customer and then passed out cold and smashed my face on the cement floor.  Lost two teeth, spent the day at the hospital.  Clear memories and yet I can barely remember what I did at work last week.

Our daughter is finishing Grade 9 this year and it is big for her as well.  She has been at the same school since Grade 2.  Then they move on to the high school.  She has a beautiful dress bought and is planning makeup and hair with her friends.  It all makes my heart hurt.  She played her last basketball game of junior high a couple weeks ago and it broke my heart to miss it.  I did cry at her last volleyball tournament.  

Why are these things so hard on my heart?  I am SO proud of the kids we have raised.  I am SO proud of the young man and woman they are becoming.  There are still days where I want to kill them, don't get me wrong, but overall, I think we have done well.  So why is it so damn hard for me that they are hitting these milestones?  It is a rite of passage, it is a normal thing.  We want them to grow up, graduate, get a job, find a spouse, have babies.  If that's the presumed natural order of things, why is it so hard to contemplate the big events coming our way?

I don't know the answer.  I don't know if there is an answer.  I just know that my heart breaks a little when I think of watching our handsome son in his cowboy hat, wranglers and suit jacket getting his diploma and moving out and on.  My heart breaks a little at thinking of the fact that our house will likely no longer be the place that they all descend to hang out as they will have their own houses and their own lives.  My heart breaks at thinking of our daughter being dressed to the nines and being a part of the Grade 9 farewell to their small town school.  

My mid-life crisis isn't even over my age, it's over the thought that I am nearly 19 years married and our babies are growing up and nearly grown up.  Our kids aren't kids anymore.  The kids that I think of as my "adopted/heart" kids that have come into our lives as friends of our kids or kids of our friends are all growing up.  Time really does fly.  It's not a cliche, it's the damn truth.  And no matter how proud I am of all these young men and women I am proud to have in my life, I am sad that they are growing up and spreading their wings.  I am sad that they are priming themselves to leave home and go out on their own.  

And all I can think about is, then what?  Who does that make me when I am no longer mom of "kids", I am mom of adults?  We have hobbies and we have friends and jobs and I know we will have a life after the kids, but dammit, I am not ready.  I want to turn back the hands of time and rock my babies in my arms again.  I want to see the joy on their little faces when we brought home their first horses, the excitement in their eyes on the first trip to Disneyland, the pride of those first buckles won.  But Father Time doesn't allow the clock to be turned back and so here I sit, so very proud, but so very sad that somehow, the time to let the first one fly from the nest is nearly here and the second one won't be far behind.  

"Busy" bodies?

It is amazing how "busy" we all are.  My generation really prides itself on the art of "busy"ness.  It's like whoever has their kids in the most activities and they themselves volunteer at three places, wins.  Wins what?  I have learned over the last couple of years that being busy isn't really a way of life that gives me peace.  

Here is our life for the past 3 or 4 years – Rodeos every weekend between mid-April and October with only 2 exceptions throughout, often multiple rodeos a weekend.  From October to April, it's 4-H, school sports a couple nights a week, the odd bull riding practice, barrel racing clinic and whatever else comes along for the kids to do.  Add to that two full time jobs, one that is done long distance or away from home, a ranch raising horses and hay crop, a home-based business and volunteering on minimum 1 board each and leading our kids' horse 4-H club.  So, we win, right?  Or maybe it's my cousin?  For the past 3 – 4 (or longer) years, her life has revolved around 2 teenage boys playing competitive minor hockey from August to July by the time you count summer camps, dryland training, practices, tryouts, tiering, games and tournaments.  She also has a daughter that is now in University and living at home, but previously was actively involved in her school and did some school sports as well.  Add to that 2 full time jobs, one more than full time, really.  Almost all of our friends are some shade of these or somewhere in between.

At what point did it become cool to be so busy?  Looking back, I feel like by trying to give my kids more than I could have had or ever dreamed of, I missed a lot of the simple moments.  We are so focused on giving them more, more, more, that we forget to even ask if it's what they want to do.  For me, it's like I couldn't stand to sit still.  If one thing fell off my plate, I would inevitably replace it with two more.  There was a point where I was an Ag Society Director, a General Leader our 4-H club, School Council Secretary, School Breakfast Program helper and Chamber of Commerce Secretary as a work-related volunteer role.  I still had a full time job and my kids were constantly running – not to mention my husband whom I only saw generally in passing.

In the past year or so, I have made a concentrated effort to un-busy my life.  I have never been a super-spontaneous person, so it seemed ok that there was no room for it in our lives.  Now, I want the ability to say, hey, let's go out for dinner on a Friday night.  Or let's have a bonfire and invite some friends over this weekend.  Instead of, who are you?  My husband?  Oh right, I guess sometimes there is a body in bed with me snoring in exhaustion and the bills get paid with the help of somebody's paycheque going in the account.  Friends?  Don't they only exist via text and facebook?  I mean, who has time for friends?  Unless they are at one of the activities that we are on the run to. 

This past year, I have stepped down from one volunteer role and stepped back in another.  I have said no to a few things that have come up and tried really hard not to feel guilty about it.  I have sat on my couch, drank tea and wrote a blog, in a journal, set some goals, done some oracle card reading.  I have sat on my deck drinking coffee with my dog, playing candy crush and watching the horses mosy by in the field.  I have concentrated on being more present wherever I go so that people get all of me when we get time together.  Just recently, I have stepped off of my multiple times daily checking and responding, commenting and posting on Facebook.  It is amazing how freeing that is.  I have actually finished 2 books in the last month.  I am lovingthis new pace. It is funny how you can forget how to be alone or to sit in silence or to have an hour long bubble bath with no one knocking on the door.  You can forget how nice it is to go out for dinner with your husband or to play games with your kids after dinner.  

If this blog can do anything for any of my friends, I hope it encourages you to take a look at your "busy"ness.  Are you feeling like you are winning?  Or are you feeling worn out?  If you are feeling like you are winning, then keep at it if the pace makes you happy.  If you are like me and you are feeling worn out, feel free to take a break, take a look at what the busy makers are in your life and see if you can eliminate just one.  Take that time to spend time with someone you haven't seen in awhile or someone that you see every day but don't really know anymore.  Read a book, smell the roses, sit in the rocking chair, snuggle a baby, ride a horse.  To me, "busy" ness isn't winning anymore.  It's exhausting and I am not afraid to say that's how I feel.  I am loving what I have been filling my former busy time with.  That's winning to me.  

Trouble is you think you have time

The world works in mysterious ways.  Earlier this week I heard Dean Brody's "Time" and really listened to the lyrics.  It made me think... A lot.  We take a lot for granted.  The chorus of this song is:

The trouble is

You think you have time

You think tomorrows always coming down the line

And then one day

You wake up and you find

The trouble is you thought you had time

Kind of hit home with the recent passing of Ty Pozzobon from post-concussion depression.  Also, my cousin's wife had her mom pass away after a short and nasty battle with cancer.  My concussion and subsequent recovery have also had me thinking a lot about what we take for granted.  

The second verse: 

Suit and tie and a fancy job

Big old house, two car garage

He works hard for his wife and his son

An empty seat at t-ball games

Just a sacrifice he’ll make

Make it up, next weekend comes along

Years go by and that day comes too soon

That boy goes off to college, he stands in his empty room

Josh and I have had this discussion a number of times throughout his career since we have had kids. He really got the message when our daughter was about 2 years old and one Friday night he came home (he had been going to trade school during the day and working as night shift foreman at night) and she asked me who he was.  He hadn't shaved in a few days and hadn't really been home when the kids were up for a couple weeks.  I told her it was Uncle George and she called him that for quite awhile afterwards.  Shortly after that, we went and bought a holiday trailer and spent many nights in it that summer camping and spending family time.  It is really easy to get caught up in chasing the almighty dollar and making a living for your family and forget to make time for the people that you are trying to make a living for.  

The third verse really talks about a problem that is inherent in this day and age and that is our obsession with our phones and forgetting the people we are actually with.  We have had quite a few conversations about this as well.  I am working hard to make a conscious effort to put my phone aside, away or out of sight when I am with friends or when the kids and I are talking.  

Shotgun shells and a tackle box

On the floorboard of a truck

Morning sun burning fog off a lake

Teenage girl and her grandad

He takes her fishing but he feels bad

She can't take her eyes off that Facebook page

But someday soon, who knows how long

She'll look up and he'll be gone

Last weekend, I made a conscious decision to log off of Facebook for awhile.  I am a big Facebooker.  I like to share, I like to read other people's stories, I like knowing what is going on in my friend's lives.  However, I am tired of all the negativity, the constant flow of political posts that have endless comments with personal attacks on people who cannot agree to disagree respectfully.  I need to spend my time more wisely and save my mental energy for things that really matter.  This post concussion syndrome has really been kicking my butt and I need to step away from all non-vital activities.  Facebook is one of them.  It's a time sucker. And a lot of what is on there right now is an energy sucker.  

Yesterday, I learned that not only do I have post concussion syndrome (PCS), but I have a depressed skull fracture that is putting pressure on my brain.  There is also a "little" issue with a pool of clotted blood.  All of this means I have to meet with a neurosurgeon and discuss what to do.  Do you know what neurosurgeon's do?  They cut into your brain.  That is about the scariest thing I can possibly imagine.  Ever since my CT scan and subsequent conversation with the doctor, this song of Dean Brody's has been running through my head. With some luck and some skilled hands, I will have lots of time.  However, it sure makes me think about all the could of, should of, would ofs.  It makes me think of the time wasted on people who didn't deserve my time.  It makes me think of what I will do with my time now.  

Hug your kids, tell your parents and spouses that you love them.  Treasure the time you get to spend with people that make you laugh and bring you joy.  Do something for yourself.  Whether that is riding your horse, going to the spa, taking a trip somewhere or just reading a book.  Make hay while the sun shines.  Don't take anything or anyone for granted.  Get rid of the people who make you sad, hurt you, don't add value to your life.  Volunteer, but don't volunteer so much that you don't spend time with your loved ones.  

I can tell you this, when you think your days are going to last til you are 100 or whatever you have in your head as that "magic" age that you reach your expiry, you take stuff for granted.  I did.  I have.  I can also tell you this, when you are thinking about the possibility of going into an operating room with your head shaved and a doctor carving into your skull, you think about wasted time and wasted energy.  Don't wait until you are facing a terminal illness or a chronic disease or an unexpected diagnosis to contemplate these things.

The trouble is, you think you have time...  

Political Fatigue

Does anyone else have this?  I can't possibly be the only one.  As an adult, a working woman, a mom, a wife (and daughter, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law) of someone who works in oil & gas, a rancher and someone working in the financial industry, I get that it is important to follow politics and the news and keep abreast of the latest goings on.  But I am sick and tired of being inundated constantly with politics. In fact, I am starting to think I need to go to some caveman living so I can escape the constant onslaught.

My actual political opinions don't even factor into this.  I do have them.  I have very strong opinions; I have done my research.  I am also open enough that I am able to have a rational conversation with someone I disagree with and maybe even learn something.  I don't mind sitting around a table with some friends having a coffee or another beverage and batting around some discussion about it.  WHY, though, must it penetrate every thing we do and see?

Facebook, instagram and twitter are full of ongoing rants (rarely raves, but sometimes) about various politicians.  My husband is one of the worst offenders.  I am to the point where I may actually unfollow my own spouse of nearly 19 years.  I get it.  You hate Trudeau, you hate Notley and you love Trump.  I DON'T CARE.  Truth is, I knew that previous to the 9 - 15 shared posts daily about you, dear.  I love you, but for the love of God, sharing stuff on Facebook is not helping.  Write some well-worded, rational emails and letters to your MLA, MP and your ministers and leaders.  Stop sharing stuff that is just a bunch of people commiserating about their mutual hatred of the current regime.  If you care that much, do something productive about it.  (He's not the only one on my feed, but I have pretty much un-followed the majority of the rest of them)

My real complaint is that I believe that if all of the keyboard warriors were that concerned about the various levels of government, they would be looking at productive ways to change things, to indicate their frustrations and convey their concerns.  I get that the media is powerful, but does anyone really think that Justin Trudeau is reading the anti-liberal group's posts on Facebook to see how many shares it got?  Pretty sure he has some vacationing to do instead (oops, there's a little of my political opinion slipping in).

I am frustrated with certain things as well, but sharing 10 posts a day on Facebook, Instagram and my snap story are not changing it.  If it really bothers me, I will attend a rally and write letters and emails.  In fact, I have done just that in the past year and a half.  I wish everyone would.  But I am tired of seeing all the negativity and ongoing whining everywhere.  It takes a toll after awhile.

The other thing about "politics" that frustrates me is that it is in everything we do.  Where it really riles me up and makes me shake my head is in organizations that are supposedly youth centered.  Currently, my inbox has no less than 8 emails from the past 3 days regarding some drama in our Alberta High School Rodeo Association.  Unfortunately, between the 8 emails that contain multiple letters and the Facebook post on our page with 80+ comments, I still have no real idea what brought all of the drama on.

There are two sides and with all that I have read, I am still not sure what the issue is.  What I do know is that there are many people, many volunteers that make an association like High School Rodeo happen.  I know that I appreciate the immense time commitment that those volunteers put in.  I am grateful for those that put the time in WITHOUT A PERSONAL AGENDA. For if you are a true volunteer for the sake of the sport and the sake of the kids, you should not be furthering your own agenda.  We try to keep our distance from any of the politicking and behind the scenes "stuff" that goes on because it is easier that way.  We help out where we can, always available to lend a hand.  We have some awesome friends through this association.  What I hate to see is the kids potentially suffering for whatever is going on behind the scenes whether from the national or local level.  The people who have volunteered to do their roles for the good of the sport and the good of the kids deserve our support and backing.

4-H - an organization I hold near and dear to my heart is another place where I feel there is no place for politics, but there it is anyhow.  The lengths that some people will go over a ribbon is unbelievable.  The manipulations that happen to further one child's success at the expense of another's opportunities for the same blows my mind.  The things I have seen this year within this organization have made my head spin and my blood boil.  I have seen people deliberately trying to ostracize others because of too much success.  How is it fair to punish youth that have passion and ambition for something because others don't?  I can't wrap my head around it.  I come back to this... I am grateful for those that volunteer their time to this amazing youth organization WITHOUT A PERSONAL AGENDA.

The fact is, when it comes to 4-H, our own kids have suffered some in their riding skills because no kid wants to learn from mom and dad.  While we are busy helping other kids grow, our own are falling by the wayside to some extent.  They get the benefit of being in a great club and community and many opportunities.  When it comes to 4-H, it should be about the kids learning to do by doing, learning about record keeping, public speaking, community stewardship AND the skills and knowledge involved in whatever project they are in.  It should not be about parents and leaders trying to elevate their own worth via their association with the organization or their club's successes.  It brings me to tears every fall when I look back on our year and think of all the growth that our members have experienced and it makes my heart swell with pride in them and their accomplishments. That is what keeps me engaged in the organization. Not personal gain.  Not how I look to the "powers that be", whoever they are.  I care that "my" kids are growing and learning and becoming better riders, more productive community citizens, better public speakers and wonderful people.  Why can't that be enough for everyone?

It seems there is no place free from people trying to wheel their own personal agendas and force their opinions on you.  I am so mentally exhausted of seeing personal attacks in the name of someone's beliefs.  Is that not what the basis of terrorism is?  Attacking those who do not share the same exact beliefs?  There are so many personal attacks in the comments on social media around the political posts.  There are personal attacks around the politics happening in our youth organizations.  At what point, as grown adults did we un-learn the fact that we can AGREE to DISAGREE?  Why can't we live and let live - just a little?  I live by that motto and unless you are hurting my kids or my family and friends - whatever you do in your world is your business.

If every person could worry about their own lives a little more and everyone else's opinions a little less, I think we would find the world would be a much better place.  Am I happy about our provincial and federal government?  What can I do within my own power to influence that?  Attacking someone else for being stupid or useless for not agreeing with me does nothing but make me look like an idiot. Don't people realize that?  How many people have changed their opinion of a political issue based on someone calling them a dumb ^&*( because they didn't agree with someone else?  I can almost guarantee the answer is no one.

Let's work on our own lives and what we can do in our own space to make the world a better place. Let's take time to be kind, to volunteer in our communities, to teach our kids respect and morals.  Let's speak positively about what we feel positive about and share how we think we can change whatever is bothering us.  Let's lift people up around us.  We should volunteer because we want to be the change we wish to see in the world (Mahatma Gandhi) and not because we are going to get something out of it.  We should support those who do all of these things for the betterment of our society, our youth, our sports that we are passionate about.

I guess, I am just tired of all the negativity more than anything.  There are so many people doing good things that do them for no personal gain.  They do them because they have seen an opportunity to make things better or different.  I would love to be inundated with those stories and not the negative, whiny, not accomplishing anything ranting about the latest celebrity or political leader.  There are good people doing amazing things.  If everyone took the time to celebrate the kindness, the good works, the volunteers, the people who made a career out of doing amazing things for others, the world would be a better place.  People would be inspired to follow suit.

I believe that if we give more time to the good that is happening than dwelling on the bad, the world would be a better place despite who is in charge of the municipality, province, nation.  The world would focus on how to make the world a better place on small and large scale.  The law of attraction dictates that the more you focus on something the more of it you attract.  If we keep focusing on all the negative, soul-sucking things that are going on, we don't leave room for the positive to enter our lives.  I am tired of the inundation of negative, mind-numbing media and social media "information".  I am choosing to let there be light. Maybe others will to.

Another sad story...

http://calgaryherald.com/news/local-news/family-say-pozzobon-was-suffering-from-concussions-depression-when-he-died

The loss of 25 year old cowboy Ty Pozzobon is hitting the rodeo community hard.  As it should.  But not just because he was an amazingly talented young gun in the sport of bull riding, although that will be his legacy.  It should be a loud and clear reminder to the rodeo community and all sports communities that concussions are not just a bump on the head.  They can have long lasting, painful repercussions that include physical pain and often grappling with mental health issues on top of everything else.

25 years old, married to a beautiful woman, an only son to doting parents and already a superstar.  Many will pull out their judgment cards and talk about the selfishness of this tragedy.  Not me.  Sadly, I understand.  I understand all too well.  A person can have the world by the tail and still go down that road.  And go down that road because they don't want the people they love to be drug down by them in their "state" or that they cannot stand the thought of never being the same or "normal" again.

A brave man with a little crazy in him - because, let's face it, all bull riders have to have a little crazy in them - got knocked around a few too many times and his brain would be recovering slower each time.  You have the world at your feet, a Canadian Champ, 4th place in the world and your brain doesn't work as well as you want it to.  It's still in recovery mode, it needs rest, it is causing issues for you in your day to day life.  You can't do what you love, what you feel you were born to do.  You can't love people the way you used to because it takes a lot of energy.  You start to question your worth...  The depression starts to roll in and then stays.

I am not speaking for this cowboy as I never met him, though I watched him a number of times in a variety of arenas.  I don't know that this is what happened in his head.  What I know is  that it could be.  Or it could be a variation of it.  But head injuries cause real issues - physical and mental and they take their toll.  I can speak from my experience both in the post concussion area and the area of depression though mine came about in reverse order.  It isn't easy feeling like you can't think straight, you can't see straight, you can't concentrate, focus or move as quickly or smoothly as you once did.  It does make you question your worth... If I can't do all of these things, how am I going to work?  Work makes it worse, if I don't take time to rest, I am going to make things worse yet, but if I take the time I need, will my job be there when I get better?  Will I get better?  How am I going to pay my bills?  The questions and strain can pile up.  The pile can become rocks in your pockets when you are barely treading water.  I can understand that some days, it would be easier to stop treading.

It's time to look out for our athletes.  It's time to talk about concussions like the brain injuries that they are.  It is time to talk about depression and how you should be able to get help without being judged.  It's time to be kind and treat others the way we want to be treated.

My heart breaks for this family and his friends.  I hope that they all are able to take something from this tragedy.  I hope that the big name bull riders will put a damn helmet on and stop bragging about being a "real cowboy" by wearing a hat and set a good example for our young guns.  I hope that the bull riders will use their celebrity status to work towards a better way in the future - promote supportive recovery, end the stigma of "what we can't see doesn't exist".  It has stimulated some conversation in our house and I am glad.  I am not glad that Ty is gone.  I am glad that we can talk about it and dig into the why and look at ways to make things better in the future.  Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if no one else had to live through another sad story?  Namaste and RIP Ty.