This morning as I was doing my "morning pages" part of a project I am doing called the Artist's Way created by Julia Cameron, I had a couple thoughts come to me. I was reminiscing on yesterday and how much unpacking I had done, tidying, sorting and trying to make our new house a home. As I was doing that, I also thought about my indulgent binge watch of ShadowHunters on Neflix starting at about 8:30. What came next is what has me drawn to blog about it.
As I was thinking about the 5 episodes I watched until 12:30 or so in the morning, I started to feel guilty that I hadn't gone out and rode my horse instead or that I didn't finish unpacking the boxes in the kitchen. All these "shoulds" were going through my brain. "Instead of wasting time watching TV, you should have been going out for a ride, you should have been painting the last bit of bathroom that needs a second coat, you should have been unpacking the last two boxes in the kitchen, you should have, you should have, you should have."
To that, I say - WHO SAYS I SHOULD? Why do I have this inner voice that guilts me at every single turn? Why have we created such an existence where a little downtime is something to feel guilty for. I left my job at the Credit Union one month ago due to our relocation and ever since then, despite fitting in ridiculous amounts of things in a month, all I could think is that I should have done more. How much can one person do? I am not superwoman. I know that. So, why do I hold myself to such unrealistic standards?
So, what I am really pondering is where the voice in my head is coming from? Is it my mom and dad in some buried memory? I don't think so as my mom was a farm wife who baked, cooked, cleaned, ranched, helped with calving, drove us to 4-H and sports and still had time to watch Another World and General Hospital in the afternoons most days. Dad worked a day job (after his years as a long haul trucker) and he ranched in the evenings, but he almost always sat in his recliner after dinner for a drink and a smoke and a relax. My grandmother was one of the hardest working women I knew and she still took time to play in her flower beds, read a book on a lawn chair in the sun.
Is it my husband? Is he behind the "shoulds"? No, I really don't think so. He is an incredibly hard working guy and he doesn't make a lot of time for downtime as he likes to keep busy, but I don't recall him ever telling me that I should be doing something other than what I was doing. Sometimes I feel lumped in with the kids during his "lazy ass" rants at them when he's frustrated at them; I honestly don't think he means me when he does them though.
So, why? Why do I feel this overwhelming sense that if I sit still too long, I am a useless bum? Why does sitting on the ground playing with the dogs feel like something I should hide from people? Sitting in my backyard enjoying a beer or wine makes me feel guilty.
It has to stop. I am guessing somewhere buried in my psyche, I felt unappreciated or unlovable or something that has me in a guilty flurry mentally every time I stop doing. A big part of our relocation was for us to slow down the almighty chase for the dollar, the constant 24/7 nature of the oilfield, the 2 full time jobs, 2 kids in multiple activities that we could never attend, 20+ horses and dogs that forgot what we looked like. Not having a job has me rattled as other than mat leaves, I have worked for the past 24 years. Not having a job off the ranch doesn't make me an unemployed bum, though. It is not a reason to feel inadequate.
It's time to grab this bull by the horns and castrate the sucker. I refuse to live my days feeling guilty every time I sit down. I am going to work on shutting that voice in my head up, or at the very least spinning it to a positive vibe. How enjoyable can life be if we never sit still and enjoy the moment? I want to be able to have a FaceTime conversation with my friend or sister and not think about what I "should" be doing. I want to go for a ride on my horse and not worry about the fact that I didn't sweep the floors before I left. I want to putz around in my garden and flowers and not feel like I should get a job and do something "worthwhile" with my time. So, that's what I am going to do. It will take time to break some of these habits and self-talk that is disturbing my peace, but I am determined to let this new adventure actually sink in, enjoy conversations with friends back home, enjoy spending time with my daughter just hanging out in the pool or backyard, enjoy throwing a frisbee or ball for an hour with a crazy dog, watch the horses eat grass, on occasion binge watch some silly show on Netflix.
Life is too damn short to get so tied up in the shoulds that we don't enjoy the NOW. What we SHOULD be doing is smelling the roses, spending time with our loved ones as we never know what tomorrow could bring, walking the dog, enjoying the beautiful bounty of mother earth, the smell of horse sweat on a nice long ride. So, that's what I am going to do! My challenge is for you to do it too, especially if you are a "should-er" like me.
No comments:
Post a Comment