The Power of Partnerships

When you think of partnership, who do you think of?  Your spouse?  Your parents or kids on the farm?  When I think of partnerships, I think of everyone who has a hand in the success of my business.  This includes the family members that are part of the business, the accountant, the banker (or preferably Credit Union financial support), and the veterinarian.

The relationship with a vet is what spurred this blog on.  You see, the other night, when we had a cow down with a calf that couldn't be pulled in need of caesarian section, my husband could not find a vet willing to come out and help.  Our regular vet was "gone away" according to whomever answered the phone at the emergency number on the clinic voicemail.  Most of the others who answered the phone were too busy or didn't have a large animal vet available.  Then there were a couple who were too far away and didn't want to leave their own area without someone for that long if they came out here, but were willing to do in-clinic work if we could get her on the trailer (fair point for the vet, but no way this cow was getting up and into a trailer).  In all of our moving and planning and buying cattle, it never occurred to us that we may end up having to euthanize an animal for lack of ability to find veterinary care in a crisis.

This is why the power of partnerships is SO important on the ranch or in any business.  As a former lender and manager at a bank and credit union, I have seen the value of partnerships from a bit different light on the other side of the desk, but always saw the need for relationships to be built rather than once a year going to visit the accountant, banker or neighbour.  These relationships are important to develop at the beginning, not just when you need them.

A great example of this is your relationship with your bank or Credit Union.  If you start out on your own and then you get into a jam and THEN you head off to talk to the local banker, you are more likely to meet resistance than if you have been in, sat down and planned with someone what you were looking at doing.  We think of banks as money lenders, but there are services beyond that which could benefit us greatly.  There are planning services, tax efficiency knowledge, utilizing different savings vehicles and more.  How many of you use your banker to the maximum of their ability? If you don't feel the banker you are dealing with has the right knowledge to assist you (we just recently went through this at a local credit union) - go somewhere else until you find someone that does.  They should be able to answer your questions or they should have someone they can go to and get answers for you.  Do not accept mediocre bankers.  You need someone who believes in your plan and is willing to work with you.

Another example is your accountant.  As a former banker, I can't even tell you how many farmers and ranchers I met with that did not use their accountant to the fullest of their abilities.  Rather than sit down and discuss where the tax efficiencies might be and what to do about retirement and succession planning, it was merely a relationship like those the average person has with H&R Block and companies of the like.  It should be a quarterly or semi-annual meeting - not a shoe box on April 15th (this one do as I say, not as I do).  A good accountant that is knowledgeable in agriculture should be able to help you look for ways to keep money in your business and ensure that you are still mindful of retirement and succession planning.  Use your accountant.  Don't take for granted that they have your best interests at heart.  Ask questions and don't forget to plan for retirement.  You may not think you are going to retire, but you need to think about what happens when you slow down or want to transition to a family member or sell.  Similarly to the banker scenario, if you don't like or trust your accountant, get a new one.  This isn't a marriage.  It's a business partnership and you need someone who is doing their part in the partnership.

The veterinarian is another integral part of any livestock operation.  You should have a herd health program and you need someone that can advise you, and assist you.  As with our example above, clearly our relationship with our vet wasn't that great or we would have known that he was going to be on vacation while we were in the middle of calving.  That is something we will not have issues with in the future.  A veterinarian has been to school for many years and they have the knowledge that we cannot possibly have, even from years of experience.  It is important that we have someone that understands our geographic location and the issues that arise due to that.  Also, when something arises of a crisis nature, it is important to have a vet that is up to date and in the know of progressive options and treatments.

I could go on about other people that should be involved and I will blog about the family connection another day as that is a relationship/partnership that is often mistreated due to us taking things for granted - often good communication skills would resolve a lot of misunderstandings and confusion.  Neighbours, renters, crop share partners, mechanics, equipment dealerships and more are out there to work with and help to ensure you are getting the best collective bang for your buck.  Don't discount the importance of relationships when you are starting up, building up or even winding down your business.  Having an excellent network of people in your corner is going to increase your potential for success exponentially.

The Kitchen Table

The office.  The boardroom table.  The coffee shop.  The hub.  The kitchen table serves as all of these things.  Though it was originally meant to be a place where people gathered to break bread, on the farm, it is much more than that.  All my life, the kitchen table was where the action happened.

My grandparent's kitchen table on the ranch was where everyone gathered for coffee, holiday meals, card games, to grieve deaths, to celebrate various occasions.  There was never a lack of coffee in the morning and in the evenings, the beer and whiskey would come out.  I spent many hours of my life at that table.  It is where Grandma taught me and my sister to cut paper dolls and clothes, where we played hours upon hours of crib and Yahtzee, where we ate meals when I got to stay overnight.  My parents home was and continues to be no different.  Morning coffees are had and plans for the day are made.  When company comes, the table gets pulled out from the wall and we grab more chairs.

Thousands of dollars are spent on living room and dining room furniture in so many farm homes and yet they rarely get used.  In our own house, despite my efforts to make it otherwise, it seems so often we gather around the table.  Many a card game has been played around our table over the years.  Probably a few wine and whiskey drank as well.  I have been using it as my office while doing bookwork and schoolwork as I can see out my front window as the world goes by.  It is where we gather to talk business as everyone can get their notebook out if necessary.

One thing that I think is so important is sitting down at the kitchen table to break bread together.  Our kids are 18 and just shy of 16 now and it was a rare week where we didn't sit down at the table together for dinner at least 5 nights a week.  That is through years of 4-H, soccer, basketball, volleyball, social lives, ranching and more.  Some nights we didn't sit til 9:30pm, but we sat.  There is something to be said for spending some dedicated time together as a family around the table.  Talking to each other, listening to each other.  Without that one meal a day together, it would be easy to lose touch with what is happening with your kids.  I think that over the years, one of the reasons we were able to have such an open relationship with our kids is because we had that time together.

There are families out there that everyone dishes up at the stove and disappears to their own space to eat.  I find that unfathomable.  It is incredibly rare that we do not sit at the table to eat.  Even if it is only two of us.  So many memories would be missed, moments wouldn't be shared, hard topics wouldn't be covered and supportive conversations would not happen in the same way.  It would be so easy to lose touch with each other if you don't dedicate some time to just be present in each other's lives.  We live in a world where everyone wear's their "busy"ness as a badge of honour, regaling friends and family with how much we fit into a week.  When we get down to basics, though, we often let the important things slide to ensure we keep up with whomever it is we feel we need to keep up with.

The kitchen table - it's a place to parent, a place to be a kid, a place to form friendships, celebrate life, grieve death, vent, drink coffee and so much more.  Where would a ranch or farm family be without this integral part of their lives?  Can you imagine your own home without this central piece of furniture?  As I think about the many friends we have in agriculture and the homes I visited as a site visit in my time as an agricultural lender, the kitchen table is where it's at.  It's where everything is at.  My only wish is that everyone would buy more comfortable kitchen chairs!  (Mom, Dad - you know I am talking to you!)

The most joyous time of the year?

It is calving season on the ranch.  And it is more stressful than joyous if you ask me.  Sure the babies are cute when they actually hit the ground and after when they are up running around, it's true.  But calving all these heifers may turn me completely grey.  More grey than my teenagers.  I would like to say it's fun and rewarding - and maybe I will in April.  Right now, it is just stressful and insane and I am not even the one doing the middle of the night checks.

Between hubby and our son, they are doing most of the work.  Other than the bottle bunters, that's my job in the morning and our daughter's in the evening.  We have had a tremendous amount of bad luck it seems, from 3 feet of snow needing to be plowed in order to create a pen to calve in, our first cow to calve dying, pulling 2 out of 3 calves to foxes dining on a cow while she was down to misbehaving dogs to calling hubby home from work 2 weekends in a row now to help us pull a baby.

It's not all bad, I am sure there are some highlights.  Let me think.  Ummmmmmmmm.  Ok, ok.  There was that time... Nope...  Ummmmmmmm. Yeah, what about...?  Nope.  Truthfully there is some good with the bad.  We had a set of twins out of a heifer unassisted.  That was a nice treat.  Then there were those 2 other cows that calved unassisted.  That was a bonus.

Farming/Ranching isn't for the faint of heart.  It is hard.  It is emotionally hard, mentally hard and physically hard.  The weather doesn't cooperate, at least not this year.  Although with all this snow and cold, scours shouldn't be an issue.  Ranching is never having a moment that you sit still and think, wow, there is nothing to do around here.  It is missing out on vacations because it is calving season or haying season or hauling hay season or feeding season.  It is worrying about whether babies are going to live or die.  It is worrying about where the cheque for feed is going to come from.

It is a lot of other things though as well.  It is pulling together as a family and making things happen.  It is working together to ensure a safe delivery of a baby like we did this morning.  It is sitting down at dinner exhausted, but feeling great because you got all the chores done in record time. It is a dad and a daughter who barely speak to each other spending 5 hours doing chores and trying to get cows in that are calving.  There are positives. Every day there are positives.  But it is not easy.  Anyone who thinks farmers have it easy because of the odd subsidy or severe weather monetary "bailout" has not spent any time on a farm.

I would highly encourage everyone to get to know a local farmer and rancher.  Find out where your food comes from.  Educate yourself.  And understand the people that are behind the food.  The people that put passion before themselves on the priority list.  The ones who give up having vacations because the timing is never right and you may need the money to buy new equipment.  The ones who work off the farm and on it to try to ensure ends are closer to meeting.  We don't need pity, but we would love more people to understand that it isn't an easy way to make a living.  It is a lifestyle choice and there is pride in knowing you are doing something to feed the population.

My Valentine

Is Valentine's a "Hallmark" holiday? Probably.  Is it advertised and promoted for the sake of retailers making a buck?  You bet it is.  Are some of those retailers my friends and family?  Yep.  So, if they have an opportunity to make a bit of money off of something like today, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Halloween or Christmas, I say, Good for you!

I am lucky, 21 and a half years ago I started dating the kid who would become my best friend, lover, husband, father of my children and biggest cheerleader.  He has never missed a Valentine's Day with candy and almost always flowers.  Is he feeding the capitalist machine?  Yep.  And I am ok with it.  It is like Thanksgiving.  It is not that we are not grateful for each other throughout the year.  That doesn't mean we can't have a little focus on certain days.  It needn't be black or white.  Just as it isn't "wrong" to express gratitude on Thanksgiving - better then, then not at all.  Or better yet, it is just another day to express gratitude.

Enough about the holiday itself, that isn't why I am writing this.  What I really want to say is how blessed I am to have my valentine in my life.  Honestly, he is one of the hardest working people I know, he always has been (even when my dad thought he was a good for nothing, foul-mouthed, dumb-shit).  He has always had certain priorities for us.  I, as the mother, would always have a reliable vehicle that I could shuttle our children safely around in and not worry about a roadside breakdown on a daily basis.  I have always had a nice vehicle, right since Day 1, except for the one time we bought a lemon.  He marched right back to the dealership not long after we realized it was a lemon, made a rather large public fuss and we left with a different, more reliable vehicle.  That is just one example of where his priorities lie.

Some things that he does probably seem like they are never recognized, but I give him sole credit for the fact that I finally was able to develop self-esteem (all-be-it not until I was in my early 30's).  He has been my biggest cheerleader.  He puts up with my ADHD and changing goals, priorities, careers, mindsets.  He has shouldered a large burden when my mental health was at a point where the depression was more prevalent than my personality was.  He couldn't for the life of him, understand what I was going through, but he tried every day and he helped and supported despite not understanding.

Most recently, he has held my hand as I have dealt with my accident and the fallout of it.  The day that I came off and slammed my head into the fence, the subsequent "scariest moments of his life" when I was seizing on the ground and blacked out after the accident, he was there, despite his aversion to human blood and anything medical.  He was a shoulder to cry on when I was terrified of needing to see a neurosurgeon and potentially would need brain or skull re-construction surgery.  And for the past 14 months, he has continued to help me deal with the Post Concussion Syndrome's ongoing challenging of memory, inability to handle a lot of stress as well, anxiety, frustration, feeling the need to give up a hard-earned career and our dream home - both that I loved as I couldn't keep up with the required workload.  And he has been by my side as I deal with a bit of post-traumatic stress as well in that I have lost my love of riding and am even somewhat terrified of getting on certain horses, which breaks my heart as I have been actively been riding and loving horses for over 35 years.

The last thing about my valentine that I can't help but share is his dedication to his dream.  I say his dream because anyone who knows me knows that cows sure as hell are not MY dream.  This is where being a good wife comes in and I support his wanting to live this dream and it is a big part of my life, but it's his baby.  His baby has caused us nothing but grief for months; we have had equipment breakdowns upon equipment breakdowns, we have had an aborted calf, horses that get out for no particular reason at all, a lice outbreak, not enough hay and not enough time to haul it, and when there is, we have "snowmaggedon" and you are taking your life in your hands to go on the road.  He has literally been out in the shop working on something and feeding til no earlier than midnight all but 2 nights of the last 17.  Last night he was out working on the tractor until 3, followed by feeding the cows and this morning he got up and went to work.

The moral of the story is, he's kind of a hero of mine.  He has busted his ass so that our kids could do things that were financially out of reach for he and I as children, like High School Rodeo and play sports upon sports, and have good horses, a nice truck and trailer to haul in, dependable vehicles and on top of that, he always worked hard to be present at those games and the rodeos, despite working full time.  He has been more than a rock for me, a bit more the size of a mountain.  He's a good, dependable friend that people always knew they could call on at any time of day or night.  He's just an all-around good guy.  Now, I can't say he doesn't have flaws.  He does.  He snores loud... REALLY FREAKING loud.  When he's drinking with a few of his buddies - he is always the loudest, up the longest and quite often the drunkest.  He chews tobacco behind my back and lies about it when he does.  He drives too fast, doesn't stop at stop signs, tends to wreck things because he's a little rammy.  But I have flaws too.  No one is perfect.  What is perfect anyway?  It is an unattainable expectation of self and others.  That's what it is.

My valentine is not just my valentine today.  He's my valentine every day.  He makes me be a better me.  He holds me in high regard but doesn't hate me when I fail to live up to expectations.  He's a great dad and I know he's going to be one of those crazy grandfather's that all the kids love, if and when we have grandkids.  I am not sure he understands how much I adore him and most of all appreciate him.  I do.  I really do.  I am also very blessed to have "grown up" as adults with my best friend and someone who could love me and all my flaws.  So, to the naysayers of the "hallmark" holiday, I say this: if you show your love and appreciation for your other half every day and don't need a special day to do it - that is awesome!  If you are single and you don't have a valentine - that's okay, you don't need to!  It's okay to be single!  To those who think it's a waste of money holiday, don't spend your money, but if you do, consider shopping local, supporting home business owner friends and find something unique.  To those who love Valentine's Day because it means chocolate is on sale on the 15th - don't forget to go shopping tomorrow!  It doesn't have to be all or nothing, black or white.  We can celebrate Valentine's or not - what we do needn't affect what others do.  For me, I am going to take a few minutes and just sit in appreciation for the wonderful Valentine I am blessed to be with and then finish making dinner because the poor guy has been working all day on less than 4 hours of sleep.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Who the hell is Murphy?

Have you ever heard the song, "Who the F*(& is Alice"?  Well, I want to know who the hell is Murphy and why is he hanging around my place!  What is Murphy's Law?  It says that "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong".  There is no known "Murphy", though it is assumed that it may have come from someone in the military during WWII.  

2018 has kicked off with a boatload of Murphies happening around Rydyn High and I would like to find him so I can kick him in the crotch! Honestly, our lives could conjure up a pretty damn good country song right now.  However, here is how we deal with Murphy around here... Laughter.  They say it's the best medicine.  I 100% believe this to be true.  If you can't laugh, you are usually stuck crying (not that crying doesn't happen on occasion).  So, I have heard from a few friends that we aren't the only ones tripping over Murphy to kickstart the new year.  This blog's for you.  

I thought it would be good to vent my frustration while adding a little humour to it.  Sometimes all you need is to get it off your chest.  Most of you know that I run an energy healing, equine facilitated learning and personal growth business.  Of course, I need to practice what I preach - positive thinking, the law of attraction, meditating for peace, blah blah blah.  Just kidding, I do believe in it all.  There are days though when I want to say to hell with it and go back to bed and ignore the whole wide world!  

So, let's recap some of the good times that have occurred since the first of the year.  We will start with the $1100 power bill... Yep, you read that right, $1100.  This is a topic that could get me right off the rails.  First, there is the BC Hydro thing - the whole government backed BC monopoly phenomenon that literally makes me want to scream at the utter stupidity at the voters who have allowed these monopolies (BC Hydro, ICBC, etc) to stay in "business" screwing the people of the province over for decades.  Google ICBC lawsuits - the sheer amount of hits ought to tell its own story.  So, why, oh why, oh why, would anyone with a natural gas pipeline running through their property, not 100 meters from the house, not put in a gas furnace?  Why?  Yet, that's what happened when this house was put onto this place more than a decade ago - electric furnace.  So, you can imagine that once we got the bill, hubby picked me up off the floor where I had passed out in anger and shock and we went to town to buy tile to put the woodstove in as it had immediately flown to the top of the priority list.  What's funny about this story?  The whole laughter is the best medicine thing?  Ummmm.  Okay, so maybe I can't really find the humour in the raping by BC Hydro... better move onto the next thing.

Let's talk about the horses getting out... First, let me take you back to briefly recap one of the conversations we had a year ago around selling our place in Clive.  Wife: "I am tired of half-assing things, everything we are doing on our place is half-assed because we don't have the time or money to do it right, I just want to be able to do things all the way".  Husband: "I agree, it will be much easier once we have more time and money in our simplified lifestyle".  Fast forward one year...  This fall, we did some fencing - quite a lot of fencing.  The place we bought here has not been actively farmed for over 8 years, so what was here when we bought was falling down, broken wires and overall needs re-doing.  We fenced a bunch in one field so that the horses could winter there and the cows could go there after they calved.  There are about 100 feet of fence at the corner that didn't get completed - however, I was assured that the trees and crap would keep the horses from venturing out that corner.  And it did, for 5 months.  One January morning, wife: "I think we should feed the horses a bale", Husband: "They are fine for a few days", Wife: "But the cows get fed every day", Husband: "But the cows are going to make us money" (wife in her head thinks - after loans and expenses, "making" money is a stretch and we have horses for sale that are going to make us money).  Next day: Knock, knock, oh hi neighbour!  Hi, did you know your horses are all out and up the road?  They have been about 5 miles from home and back to a mile north this morning.  No, I didn't know, I guess I will go get them in since hubby is at work and daughter is at school.  (If they would have had a bale, they would still be in... Sure they won't get out that corner of the fence)...  Needless to say, the horses were put back in.  The horses got a bale, and then the assholes escaped again... Now that they know there is a hole, apparently they are going to use it.  Add another thing to the "Must get done list".  

As I am driving in to watch our daughter play basketball one afternoon, going up the big hill by our place full of twists and turns, somehow, I got over too far and got sucked in by the snow in the berm from the grater and ditched my truck (in the flattest most open part of this crazy hill).  Thankfully, by some weird stretch of luck, I actually had cell service and hubby came and pulled me out.  Despite planting the side of my truck in the bank of the hill, somehow there was literally not a scratch on it (ha ha Murphy, take that!).  However, Murphy came back to finish the job on this task, for a couple days later, it was really icy in all the places where we always park our vehicles, so I moved them around so that the ice could melt off in the warmer weather.  Well, hubby forgot that everything was moved around and smashed into one of the ones I had moved around with the tractor and some bales - that DEFINITELY left more than a scratch or two.  

What else, I mean, the country song could go on... Hubby cleaned out the one barn so we can start to use it - the former owners had chickens - OODLES of chickens - so he scraped that all out with the tractor and dumped it in the dump pile... Guess what 2 Bernese dogs and a border collie puppy did?  They found the pile of 10-year-old chicken bones... And they puked and puked and puked... Inside, outside, everywhere... Dog puke full of chicken bones... Yep, cleaning that up is a gagging good time.  

Oh yeah, one of the other neighbours called and said that one of our horses was by the road (actually inside the fence this time) with his foot through a mineral tub - sure enough, there he was, standing there with it wrapped around his leg like a big ol' bell boot.  Not a scratch on the lucky bugger.  What can you do but laugh?

There are so many things that go wrong on a day to day basis... The bills that come in unexpectedly, the dog that has a heart murmur and requires $400 in bloodwork... the cow mineral at $1400... the power bill at $1100... buying supplies for woodstove installation at $500... it seems never ending some days.  But I learned long ago never to say, it can't get worse.  Because it can.  It can always get worse.  And you know what?  There is SO much good stuff to offset the bad.  We get crazy stories to share that I am sure no one believes.  We have our health, all four of my immediate crew are healthy and that is a God-given gift right there as we know people who are too young to be fighting cancer, who have arthritis and diabetes, who are dealing with chronic illness and pain.  We aren't and for that, we have to be so grateful.  We have a beautiful piece of property, albeit with falling down fences and buildings, escaping horses and cows, enough burdock to choke many many elephants and a to-do list 10 miles long, but we have neighbours that don't even know us that are willing to dog sit, farm sit, help us out when we need to get cows or horses back in.  We have people we don't even know volunteer to come out and do chores while we go to Vegas.  We have old bachelors who stop by and give us a welcome to the neighbourhood card just because he thought it would be nice.  Hubby has a job after a long year of hell working for a company in Alberta and though we definitely miss the income, we don't miss the stress.  I don't miss seeing him look like crap every day like the weight of the world is on his shoulders, I have to admit, I do LOVE the new physique he is rocking with all of the physical labour around here and at his job.  I am able to stay home and do my university courses and plan my garden and cook healthy food and enjoy being a rancher and a mom and wife and not feel like I have to be at a job (for now).  

And we laugh... we laugh at all the stupid crap that happens.  Why not?  There was a time when it all would have made me completely explode.  Now, we laugh.  We laugh with the neighbours that the damn horses got out again and pick at Josh for not giving them some hay.  We laugh at the fact that of course our damn cows have lice and we have to add making a chute and processing them for that to Josh's one day off this week.  We laugh at the fact that it seems like sometimes absolutely nothing goes our way because we know that under it all, we still have it really good.  We have our health.  We have a piece of land where the opportunity is endless (even though the money very much is not, lol).  Our daughter is doing well in school and has friends, lots of friends, more than we can count or ever begin to know all of them.  We have truly amazing neighbours.  We have cows which makes hubby weirdly ecstatic.  I have my schooling which does the same thing for me as his cows do for him.  We have a marriage of just months shy of 20 years that is better now than it has likely ever been despite the odd hiccups.  So, we laugh.  Because it could be worse.  It could be so much worse... Money comes and goes, there are always ways to make more of it.  The important things are intact - family, health and love - so, therefore, we get to laugh.  So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Murphy!

Choose your words carefully

I pride myself on being a work in progress, though I am also fine just the way I am.  The past few months, I have been working with a new process that helps get to the root of my limiting beliefs, processes them and resets the thought patterns.  It is in this work that I found myself returning to a time in my life I would prefer to forget.  

I grew up in a small rural community that was predominantly settled by people of one religion.  That is to say that when I got on the school bus in Kindergarten, I was the only child in my K-9 school that was not that religion.  While I am sure my dad had to deal with the same types of situations that his children were later subjected to, he chose to raise us in the same place he was born and raised.  

For years (and I mean YEARS as I am now 40), I have had a heart-stopping moment every single time a text or email came to me or my phone rang.  This happened at home and at work. I never understood it and found it frustrating.  I would literally hold my breath when opening an email or text and pray it wasn't bad.  You see, I was always expecting it to be someone mad at me or that they were going to tell me something that they didn't like about me or that I did wrong.  Today, I remembered the source of that heart-stopping fear that has been ongoing for 31 years.

As I went through my K-9 years, I had a few kids that would be nice to me from time to time.  Some that would even try to be my friend for awhile.  One in particular, was the daughter of one of my dad's friends through school and while they, too, were of the same religion, that must have given her more tolerance for us outsiders (her brothers were also good to my sister and brother).  Then there was a gal who moved in that came from a community where she was an outcast due to the opposite reason as mine, then another 2 non-church families moved to town.  This made it easier to have some friends, but I always felt on the verge of being cast out until high school when I moved to a different school with a bit more diversity.  

I remember a time in Grade 3 when I accidentally said oh my God and was absolutely annihilated by my classmates that were in the room at recess when I did it.  However, that wasn't the trigger of my decades of fear and worry about opening a text or email.  That happened in Grade 4.  I had been hanging out with one of the girls in the class and she had invited me over a couple times for a sleepover.  Apparently, that didn't sit well with someone else in the class.  She penned a very nasty note of hate - I remember that word being in there a number of times.  I also remember her telling me that I was stupid, poor and nobody liked me and that this other girl was only pretending because she had felt sorry for me, but she no longer wanted to hang out with me either.  The whole thing oozed meanness and hatrid for my perceived difference.  My only crime was to be born to a family that did not participate in the same religion as everyone else at my school.

The point of this is not a pity party - I don't want that or expect that.  What I want is to share this as a learning opportunity.  The old sticks and stones saying?  Bull shit.  Words stay with you for a long time.  Words can hurt for a long time.  Words can cause someone to have anxiety, to go into depression, to commit suicide.  WORDS HAVE POWER.  Choose your words carefully.  Teach your kids to choose their words carefully.  I guarantee that young girl has no idea that she wreaked havoc on the last 31 years of my life.  She probably only has a vague recollection of me, if any.  However, she broke my heart and she caused me to live in irrational fear for so many years.  She made me believe I was worthless and unworthy of love.  All from a one-page handwritten note put on my desk in Grade 4.

We need to choose compassion and kindness.  As a species, we need to treat each other better.  We need to look past the outside trappings of race, class, gender and see the soul on the inside.  There is so much hate and meanness - you have only to breeze through your social media feeds to see it.  "Be the change you wish to see in the world" as Gandhi says.  It can start with each of us.  

I knew that when I was working on this issue that it was meant to be a lesson, not just for me, but for me to share with others to encourage a different way of thinking.  To encourage us to talk to our kids about what they say to someone in a Snapchat picture, text message, Kik, Facebook, Twitter and more.  It takes very few words to impact someone's whole life and outlook on themselves.  Why not make that impact positive?  

Mother of an adult child? I am not ready for this :(

It has been a long time since I blogged and this isn't some highly controversial topic, so whether it gets read or not will remain to be seen.  To be honest, if it doesn't, it's okay with me as I am writing this one for me.

Today is a momentous day in our lives.  Our first born child turns 18.  That means he is now an adult.  No longer a child.  So what? He's only a day older than yesterday, right?  True, but so much changes with the stroke of midnight on the first legal birthday.

All of a sudden, he can vote.  He can go to the bar (in Alberta, anyhow).  He can get married without my permission.  He can get a tattoo without my permission.  Borrow money (from someone other than us).  His taxes go up.  He starts paying into government programs that he will likely never get to use.  It's all just a little too much for me to wrap my head around.

This is all mixed up with immense pride at how far he has come.  How he has grown from tiny baby of 7lbs 10oz to 135lbs of man (that just does NOT seem right - man???)?  How can it possibly be 18 years since we were in the hospital in Lacombe dealing with awful back labour and every doctor, intern, nurse and random guy off the street was popping in to check the expansion of my nether regions?  How can it be 18 years ago since members of both sides of the family were sitting in the waiting room waiting on news of the first grandchild on either side of the family (for my mom on my side at least)?  

 Why does all of this looking back make me want to bawl my eyes out?  It's not like we have raised a serial killer or I am concerned about him being a deadbeat or that I think he's going to be living a lonely, sad existence.  I am not.  He has good morals, he is a hard worker, he's smart, he's so kind and genuine, he has good taste in friends and in girlfriends and he is good to his family.  All of these are things for hubby and I to be proud of.  From our own early days as a young married couple without a clue what to do with this baby we had planned for to today with a really good life - we managed to raise a smart, kind, loyal, able-bodied, funny, genuine young man.  So, why the sadness?  Why the aching heart?  Why the tears?

Here's what I think.  I think that it is all a little too much, too soon.  I mean, from the time they are born, we are always thinking about how we can't wait until they say mama or dada and we can't wait til they walk, can't wait til they go to school, can't wait til they go out into the world... The fact is, we wish away so much time.  Even if we are enjoying the moment, we are still wishing for the next big milestone.  Well, one of them is here right now and I don't like it.  I don't want it to be time yet.  I am not ready.  Dammit, I AM NOT READY.

It's not that I feel old.  I don't care about my age.  I am still alive, I am in pretty good health, I have a good life.  It is just a number.  What I feel is sad.  I wish I could go back and slow those moments down.  That I would have hugged him a little longer, snuggled with him a few more times.  I wish I could put into words how full my heart is of love and pride.  I wish that I hadn't wished so much away. I feel like I just want to go back in time and start again.  Chances are, if we did, we would screw it up, but I am just not ready to be done with my job.  Our daughter is probably going to hate me because I will be needing to feel like I have to hang on to her a bit tighter and smother her a bit more for the next 2 1/2 years.

The hardest thing I ever did in my life aside from saying goodbye to my grandmother what I felt was 20 years too early, was leaving our boy in Alberta when we moved.  In a sense, he has been an adult since July 20, 2017 as he has been on his own since then.  But this sort of finalizes it.  It is sort of like someone has taken a machete to the last invisible remnants of the umbilical cord and sliced it away.  For as much as I am proud and full of love and hope and happiness for his future, I am sad that 18 years went by so fast.

Take my advice... Hold onto the moments.  Don't wish away time.  Don't wish that you had more time to go on vacation, that you had more time to read and do all the things YOU want to do.  Just embrace the little moments, celebrate the big ones and do yourself and your kids a favour and be present.  Get off your phone.  Get them off theirs.  Take pictures but don't get so busy taking pictures that you forget to enjoy the memories your are capturing.  Hug them a little longer than is comfortable for them.  When they want to snuggle, don't brush them off because you have stuff to do.  The stuff will wait.  And in the end, if you are like me, even if you do all of that, you are still going to wish you had done more.  You are going to think that it went by too fast.

We only get them for a short time even though it may seem like forever when you first feel that nudge of life within you.  They should never doubt they are loved by their parents... EVER.

He's 18 today.  My heart is full, so are my eyes.  It went by too fast.  I am so not ready for this, but it's not about me anymore, it's all him.  I know he's going to do great things and make his mark in this world.  I hope he just remembers once in awhile to call his mom.  To tell her he loves her.  To come home to visit.  To snuggle on the couch like we used to, even when he's 40.

Who would have thought this would be such a bittersweet day?  I am just so not ready for this...